I need to talk to someone.
Right now.
And it really really sucks.

I feel... betrayed, jealous ... hurt.

I don't like it at all and I don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, I can't help but notice that it's my fault I feel this way, and if for one moment I hadn't been myself, this wouldn't of happened. I wouldn't of given them the glimpse into my life, or the opportunity to take it and twist it into theirs. Makes it hard to believe that they have no idea that they're doing this do me doesn't it.

And of course I can't talk to anybody about it without being judged or whatnot. Which feels kinda crappy, knowing that everyone's going to judge you about your view of what's happening right now. The only person that I'd possibly talk to because they already know a bit of the situation, a very crucial part, hasn't been around lately.

Of course I'd love to be blunt about it, but I don't want to hurt anybodies feelings, because no one has done anything wrong. That's the kicker, there's no good reason to feel so isolated, alone and forgotten, which makes me wonder why I do so strongly.

I miss you

but you is not you anymore

it's the old me.

the one that didn't know you

or care who you were.

Regretting regretting you.

Questions with unspoken answers

Acceptance before denial

Surrender before the fight

Silent objection,

Silent confrontation,

Silent result.

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Ever get the urge to do something, and it has to be done that moment, because if you don't, even though it probably won't, if feels like your life won't be the same? something will change and/or dissapear? And if in turn you fight the urge, and don't it feels as though you've lost completely? It's like an ongoing battle with yourself, and all you can find to back you up is the white flag.

Danny "Hey Alicia"
Alicia "Hey Danny"
-Danny hugs Alicia-
Danny "You're the coolest"
Alicia "Uh... thanks."
-walks off to class-

Danny is like, mentally challenged or somewhat. Everyone seems to know him, and he seems to know everyone. He's like, REALLY tall. Which, coming from me, says something I assume.

That was inbetween first and second block.

Then at lunch:

-Listening to the "variety talent show" sitting in the auditorium.
-First band sucks.
-Then comes monkey, trevor and patrick.
-They were alright.
-Show's over
-Alicia goes out in hall, kara walks up to her, they start talking.
-School Mascot is wandering around (big cat suit thing.)
-Randomly hugs Renna, and tousles her hair (Renna is anti-touch)
-Keep in mind that Alicia knows whos in the mascot costume (That'd be Kyle.)
-Mascot walks towards Alicia and Kara, seemingly not paying attention to them.
-But you wouldn't know, cause their face is hidden.
-Suddenly, Alicia and Kara are all, getting hugged (at the same time, squashing us) by team mascot. Alicia laughs and walks away when released.

First block (Oh noes, she's got tha' powa' to go back in time!)
-Tinnion talks forever, as usual (drama class yo)
-Gets us all sitting in the "audience" area.
-Has four people standing on stage (Team leaders, to pick their teams)
-Alicia raises her hand, and says "Isn't there supposed to be 5 groups?"
-Tinnion thanks Alicia for catching that, makes her a captain too.
-Alicia inwardly groans.
-Picks team (Amanda, Shannon, Hugh)
-They become judges for the theatre sports games

To Explain:

Theatre sports games
- Random games like "advance" where one person comes up with a ridiculous problem and the next person on has to solve it in an equally ridiculous manner.
-Today we played one called "Phobia's and Obsessions"
-We were given a phobia or an obsession, and a setting.
-Other members of the team had to try and solve the problems that the phobia's/obsessions created.

Soz, back to the class:
-Sasja has to have a phobia of styrofoam cups, and she's at a birthday party
-they play spin the bottle
-if the bottle stops spinning on you, you gotta be covered in paper cups
-o' course it stops on sasja (imaginary bottle)
-she flips out in her overly-dramatic-high-pitched-usual-squealing way. (ugh.)
-Rich has to be obsessed with apples.
-in a grocery store.
-soz he's all.... drooling over apples
-and then he see's little ash (hrenyk) and she's wearing a red shirt
-he's all "She...she looks like an apple"
-and starts biting the air, with his friend holding him back.
-then he comes up to her, and starts sniffing and stroking her
-lifts her arm up, and goes to bite it. then she calls the "manager".

And yeah.

Soz...

I wrote this last night. Just couldn't post it.

Don't try to read me.

You'll just get shot down.
In the sense that I'll completely close down, and you won't learn anything about me.
Ever.
Which seems to be a pretty good threat. Seeing as it stopped you on the spot.

But just to clarify.
You barely know me.
And to start trying to read me, and tell me what I'm doing, or feeling, when you're completely wrong, is just going to aggravate me.
That aggravation is going to cause me to completely close up. And no one would be very happy with you then.

Only three people are allowed to read me. And sadly enough, they're all communications via interwebs.

But those who don't know me know me the best. Which is switching from a physical to an emotional, psychological level.

Those three people would be (No drumroll needed. They make enough noise):

Cody, (Aka Cam Whore) because he knows more then I'd ever like to share again. Whether he remembers it or not is a different story. He doesn't have to try very hard to read me. Because he was always there. Which is what I needed. A constant. I guess he must of known that. He's one of the first ones to confront my overanalyzing things. He's one of the first ones to confront me on a lot of things. There isn't really much more I can say. With Cody, it's really kind of simple. You are either there, or you aren't. If you are thinking he's just one big like... thing to talk to, and he always listens, and never has to talk himself, then I've given the wrong impression. You have to give before you deserve to take. I can't define him very well. He's just... himself. <3

Shadow (Call him what you will, shadow has just stuck)He's getting better at reading me. Or at least telling me that he's reading me. But he just... observes really, and he doesn't pry, or ask too many questions. Which I like. Though I have very little faith in his promises. Mostly because he can't control everything. But it works out well in the end. He always lets me vent at him. He's the only one I let call me names. Ones which won't be printed on here in fear of mass manufacturing. I can deal with him calling me them, I can't deal with anyone else calling me them. Which is part of his charm I guess. Getting me to open up so easily. Or, he just knows the right buttons to push. Though he blames the opening up thing on the "you're not really real" illusion that the internet gives us. Which I believe I said to him one day, but I'm different. So I'm going to tell him to stop using that against me. The nerdy little tekkie that he is. <3

Then, there's Aaron.

Aaron (Aka Ralph Aka Meteor Aka S.B. (had to put that in there, sorry)Aka ... photography whiz?) And you thought you didn't have any nicknames. Well, I'm not sure if he's ever read me before. At least, if he has, he hasn't told me. Oddly enough, I'm sorta ok with that. Only sorta because I hate not knowing what's going on. But that really has nothing to do with Aaron now does it? Yes, actually, sometimes it does. See, Ralph is really odd, which I love, but it sometimes confuses me more then I like to admit. He's like... normal, until you're comfortable with his modified version of normal, then he goes and does something that totally throws you for a loop. Then you start from square one again, starting to think you understand him, till he goes and does it again. This happens more frequently around 4-5 am. But it happens in not so odd hours too. Like when I have to leave. It's just more noticable at 4-5 am. (Mainly 'cause my brain fully functions, and I still think in "over analyzation mode" I just can't spell, whereas he goes.. somewhat disoriented, unfocused, and all of that) Aaron's starting to sense things though. Which, I'm not totally comfortable with, but I'm not going to stop him. Or lie to him. Because there's no point, and I've nothing to hide.


It's weird, but they have their different... "styles"

Cody confronts.
Shadow treads softly and questions (With some bluntness. When pestered for it.)
And Aaron just sort of... exists. Which helps, whether he knows it or not.

I'm not normally a jealous person.
Really, I'm not.
I can't stand people that are jealous normally.
Which brings me to my dilemma.
(I know, so quickly it shows up. Not like me at all)
I can't stand myself.
For I am jealous.

Now let me explain without explaining.
Because it's what I do.
Vagueness is key in avoiding confrontation.
(Yes, I know I avoid confrontation. But only when I'm the one being confronted. Because I don't like it. Though sometimes I wish people would confront me more. Force me to deal with things. Or be more open or whatever. Yeah, I know, you just can't win with me)

Kay, so my explaining.
(I'm going to be talking, er, writing at the person I am .. jealous of.It's what I do. Talk to you without talking to you.)
I'm jealous of your ease, comfortability with people.
How easily you slide into something that took me weeks.
It took you less then a day.
I'm jealous of how you unconciously made me feel threatened,
made my position feel threatened.
I'm jealous of how quickly you became what I thought I was.

I'm jealous of the fact that you're better then me at what I'm good at.