So last night was just one of those nights. You know the ones, where everything seems not worth being done. Where just existing seems like a hard job. Existing in reality that is. It's suprisingly easy to exist without knowing which realm of your mind you are in... you know, perferred realities, the escapes from actual life. The kind of like where you don't have the problems you have today, however teenaged they seem to the rest of the "grown-up" world.
I don't want to grow up. Anymore then I already am, I assume, would be potentially catastrophic on my psyche. Maybe they should film it, seeing as the responsibilities I'm taking on in the next two years are astounding, overwhelming, and completely foreign to me. It'd make for a potentially interesting tale. But the struggle wouldn't, and won't be physical, but mental. It's always mental...
But back to last night. I was sitting there, well, laying would be a better term, seeing as I was on my bed. Balancing a mechanical pencil on my forehead, and then the bridge of my nose, thinking of people I was told to forget. Which is actually a suprisingly numerous and complex amount of people. Which, sort of brings me back to my first point. People try to forget, or escape, to avoid the pain of dealing with it, the assumed pain may I add, that they end up suffering more from it. And in the end, didn't avoid anything, just created more to try and avoid. The self realization.
Some people sit there wishing, hoping, or wondering if there is something more out there, something deeper, something more meaningful then what they have at that moment. And it brings the thought, why does one deserve something more? If said thing exists, is it really based on good deeds and luck? Or is life truly what you make of it?
Would you stop at no cost for true happyness? Or does others happyness come before yours? Even people you barely know? Is anyone truly satisfied with what they have? Or is the grass always greener on the other side?
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yeah, wow. You're starting to sound like me when I have my deep moments.
Ok, they're quite more than moments. But I think much of that has to be decided individually.
Most people, I feel, would take someone elses happiness over their own. I don't necessarily agree, but I would much rather see someone happy, than find out I was selfish and hurt them.
Then there is the other side, who would rather be happy, at any cost, who usually end up the ones that aren't happy in the least...
Observations, anyways.
As fer growing up, I don't see why you should need to.
I believe that there is a standard level of actual maturing that will come naturally, but there are parts that shouldn't, for instance.
As an example, allow me to be a test dummy (emphasis on one and not the other word there):
I plan on keeping my childlike curiousity as long as possible. The reason being is that it's my edge. Children absorb information at glorious rates compared to your standard adult. And by keeping my mind the way it has been lately, I've been able to soak up a rather complicated (by most people's opinions) career in six months without any formal training. Just by soaking it up from those around me.
That part should never grow.
Nor should innocence if it has the opportunity to last.
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