Shit

I am now mad. Again. But not at anybody but myself. Because of course I am a stupid prat. Yes, thats right. I call myself names. But thats because they are true. Or else...well, lets just say or else something else would be happening right now instead of me actually writing in my blog, which I haven't done in a while. Its not like I was busy, well I guess I was. I just didn't have the want to write. scary eh? Well, no. It isn't.

FRICK! I want to punch a wall. But I didn't really do anything wrong. I just overthink to much, am not open enough. I hate communicating around akward subjects. And I might be forced to pretty soon. This is going to be hell for a while if I do for my life. But maybe not, I may be overthinking yet again. As always. I am such a loser. Mhmm, I said it. The fact that I want to scream so loudly in anger that my lungs burst is an old feeling, not old, familiar. But I shouldn't be mad, I'm not mad. I am really really really confused. Which is causing me to be frustrated. And I hate not knowing, which is happening right now. In my own life, where I make the decisions, for the most part. For someone who can't stand not being in control over herself, I am sure not working properly right now.

I just found the meaning of my name. I will write it in a minute, then pick at all the stuff that isn't true about me. Because I need something to do to take my mind off of being so confused. Hopefully this will work..

Alicia
from the greek name Alice; from Adelaide

Truth
she is honest, happy, and sincere; she is conservative, practical, and resolute; an individual who is quiet, but enjoyable; she is faithful and warm-hearted in friendship; she is a lady who spends hours daydreaming; many hearts melt at her smile; has much consideration before she speaks; a lady who always strives for perfection.

Some of that, I believe, is true. Other parts are complete bullshit, and nothing like me. For example, quiet...ain't me. But then it says I spend hours daydreaming, try days....I've been so confused and out of focused and just drifting away to daydream that I think I have all of my capp homework to do still, from the beginning of the semester. I haven't done very much of it at all. The consideration before I speak? that means I think before I speak right? Well, most of the time I don't. Perfection? I think its corruption, to be perfect is to be defected. Right now, I am so confused that I can't possibly be happy either. I can put a smile on my face and pretend, but its fake. Many hearts melt at my smile eh? Yet they haven't ever told me this. Therefore I seriously doubt it. And why do they keep mentioning a lady? I will be a kid forever. I suppose. I'll just copy peter pan.

I want to move away. I'm not used to staying and having friends for so long. Moving a lot does that to you. I wish I was a loner still sometimes. I was happy being a loner, somewhat. More then I am at this current moment anyways. But then somedays I am so happy to have my friends to save myself from insanity. From cracking, breaking down, or walking out of school cause I can't handle this whole "human interaction" right now.

You know when you feel like murdering anyone that looks at you, crying and beating things into walls, and smashing things that will make a noise all at the same time? just to block out your thoughts? thats what I want to do right now.

But you know where that gets you?

you feel like murdering anyone that looks at you, crying and beating things into walls, and smashing things that will make a noise all at the same time just to block out your thoughts.

but you still have the thoughts, they intrude your mind and consume your sanity because they need to be thought. They only consume your sanity because you're afraid of them and can't get rid of them. You want to shut them out, to ignore them, to stop them, so you don't have to come to terms with them.

But sooner or later you have to. To regain control of your life, to begin again. But when that happens, which it will happen, you feel so vulnerable. Your naked to the world. You clam up, become reserved. Sooner or later you'll get over it, move on, realize that just cause you came to grips with it doesn't mean that its going to grip your throat until you can't breath. The overwhelming relief will fully consume you, and you'll start over. Starting to save things that hurt you, anger you, confuse you, and putting them deep inside your soul, until you feel this way again, till you crack, once more. Then, it happens again. Until you realize to deal with things when they happen. But wether its because your too timid to confront the problem, to angry to think clearly or so confused that you can walk into walls without seeing them, you aren't dealing with it, I'm not dealing with it.