Explaination

I really dont know how to explain how I feel right now.
The best way I can attempt is that I ache.
I ache, and I dont know why, nor can I really control it.
And then I focus on the ache, and it expands, and I lose the idea that I need to breathe.
I havent cried, not a single tear.
I dont see how it would help the situation. It wouldnt make me feel better,
It would just make me well... look like I'd just been crying.

The stupidest things remind me of him, and I wince.
Like, the whole win, or lose situation.
Which is just things he used to say all the time, basically.

I speak like he's gone, dead.
And, in a way, he is.
He's gone from me.

How could I get this attached to something I never had, never owned.

The only thing I can think to do is write.
To write it out, release it, and absolve it from myself.

There's so many people out there, how can you just focus on one?
But then again, how can one person do this to another, conciously,
I still dont understand the reasoning.

I have a lot of guy friends.
Maybe it should just stay that way.
Just friends.

Another thought dwindles, could we be friends after this?
Do I want to?
Will that just further injure my psyche?
Does he still want to be friends?

There are so many questions I am craving to ask,
And there are so many answers Im afraid to hear.
But if I knew, would that not give closure?
If I dont ask, and Im most certain he wont volunteer the information,
will it still be ok?
The idea of suffering isnt appealing, but is it really?

Will I become that oversensitive, who looks like they've just been stung,
staring out with hurt eyes?
Could my sense of self worth take such a beating?
I dont think so.

So, I'll carry on, because I've no other choice.
I'll move on, or at least say I have.
I'll continue to put a smile on my face, and I'll turn the page.