A Balance of Interest.

Good Deed One

2009-04-01T14:25:00.003-07:00

So I went to the washroom to blow my nose as I'm contaminated with a cold.
And what should I so happen to find when I wander into a stall, (where the tissue is slightly softer then the reconditioned cardboard outside) a pink lg shine. Worth like, 200 dollars last time I checked.

Now, last time I checked, getting 200 dollars to replace a cellphone wasnt that simple either. Especially when you simply forgot it while "doing your business"...
So naturally being a nice person, I searched through the contacts to find a "Home" or "Mom and Dad" ... well, this girl doesnt have "home" and "Mom and Dad" weren't picking up.

So I figured maybe she'd been texting recently. the last person that texted her was her boyfriend, so I contacted him and told him I had found the phone.

He told me it was almost dying *it was* and gave me a number for "Winky" (Poor child.) and asked me to call that number. I told him I was in class and would do so in a minute or so.

so I did, and this person was by the school, so we met and I returned the phone.

NOW TO THE GOOD PART.

Poor man tried to pay me. Now while this is common, I dont accept money for the things I do. Unless its from my employer and they're monies owed.

He asked me to take it as he was suprised by the fact that people actually returned things and tried to support "good behaviour" or whatever as much as possible.
I told him I was raised to do the right thing, and that he could keep his money for something he needed, and to have a great day.

Now, while this is all fine and dandy it brings up the question of why, in our society, have we been reduced to offering money for someone doing a favour for us? Now I understand it was an important piece of technology to any person, but why isnt "thank you so much" enough anymore? It is for me, but for those people, who would of taken the money.... why?

Kill me while I choke on your ego.

2009-03-30T14:38:00.002-07:00

Now, I may not be a genius, but who in their right mind thinks its a good idea to cut out all the pictures of their ex and then post the "edited" versions (of just them) on facebook?
AND THEN, brag all over it that they are a teacher with a great body and mind?
Mentioning, once, twice, over and fucking over again that they are "on top of their game" and that they "hate being single" and are planning on finding that girl who's worth it?

You my friend, need a fucking reality check.

Honestly speaking, I would never date you.
I'm not attracted to you, and I think you're awfully stuck on yourself lately.
For someone who is "such a good guy" you sure make sure everyone knows about it.
So, are you nice for the sense of it, or for the bitching rights?

It frustrates me how completely dumb you are.
Having an edited picture where you are now just kissing the side of the frame doesnt show that you're empowered and on the prowl, it shows that you have hurt feelings and are trying to lash out at someone who, honestly, couldnt give a damn.

GET A GRIP.

These are some direct quotes, to show how aggravated I am at your utter stupidity. Its people like you, with their ego's overfilling the room, that I have a problem with. Yes, you're a nice guy, yes, you work hard, but no, you do not have the right to make sure EVERYONE knows about it.

*** (name blocked out) has added a new photo album, titled "Pics of me without the ex"

... and that's exactly what they are. Pictures of him, with the ex cut out. I can still see her arm, genius.

Next: The status update,

**** is going girl crazy... I hate being single again!!!! Why is it so hard to meet someone nice???

Are you fucking kidding me? You've been single for like a week. Now is not the time to go girl hunting. YOUR FIANCEE JUST BROKE UP WITH YOU.

And the comments that follow...

**** You're right Val, it didn't last long... enegaged for like 5 frickin days.... my god what is this world coming to... I am going to get it right this time!!! I mean I am a teacher and I have a great body, I know I can meet someone who is great and attractive and I am holding the bar up high this time... it is just really frustrating. On a side note, that was a wild and crazy hockey game... wow : )

Excuse me sir? Is there room in that relationship for someone to love you as much as you love yourself?

Hey Ellen, rest assured I will have fun : ) I have never been one to sit back and let life pass me by, I live life to the fullest but I tell ya the single life is not for me and I know I can get someone who is great... I have faith and I am pretty much at the top of my game at the moment.

Now, excuse me if my assumptions are incorrect. But the guy who sits around talking about how miserable he is and moping in his room the past couple of days... he's at the top of his game? I think not.

Fuck sakes.
Grow up.

January 10th, 2009

2009-01-10T17:52:00.002-08:00

I'm so lame.
I hate love. Its emotionally straining, draining, and all togehter not worth it.
I'm starting to not believe in it. I mean, really, if love is really so sought after by the masses, the world is full of lunatics.

Excuse me miss
I seem to have lost track of time
What just happened?
How long have I been lying here?
Spread out on my back
You just confirmed my greatest fear

Sick and tired of being this way
I know how much you hurt
And how you know how hard I tried to change
Right all along, you told me I was fading
Nothing left for them to say
"Goodluck.You're gonna need it boy, you'll need it babe
If you're going to live that way"

Chorus:
I don't believe in love
You don't owe me anything
Believe me when I say
I could change some day

I don't believe in love
You don't owe me anything
If you need a place to hide
I am on your side

I know it's hard to find an open mind
The wildest ones were left behind
And thought they had it all
And knew exactly how we fall

I thought we'd seize the moment
The flames they rose high up to our knees
We tired to hide and hide the lies
I want to be alone
And on my own
All the holy bones
I want to feel alive
But strong on the outside

I've really got nothing good to say. I'm full of mistrust and its infecting my thoughts and emotions and I dont know how to feel any more about what we're doing.
If I was to know the truth I'd be more calm,
externally speaking I am already the definition, but inner turmoil breaks along the ridge of my cerebral patterns and I am just another landmark on your journey, am I not?
But if you were to tell the truth would I truly believe you? suspicious as I am, I would hope to, but I fear the opposite would prove most likely.
It is my own faults that ruin my relationships.

So life goes on

2008-12-09T22:49:00.003-08:00

I guess its been a while since I posted.
Im no longer with farmer, I made my decision.
Im with Brenden.

And I think I have an STD, at 18.
Fuck sakes.
Dirty fucking kids.

I have to go to the clinic and get tested, which is just prime. Im so happy.
And I dont know which one its from.
Cause it coulda been from the first, especially if he had anyone in Alberta.
And of course he wouldnt tell me.

Or it could be from Brenden.
Although he says he's clean.
But dont they all say that?

I'll deal with it, I guess.

Complete Honesty?

2008-10-31T00:19:00.002-07:00

Honesty is like, a major weasel word.

"Sure, Im so being honest"....

I dont know how its a weasel word but Im going to obtain "Complete Honesty" in a minute.

I like him.
But I like him too.
And I dont know how much I like either of them.
But my heart hurts for it.
This is suffering.
Of a typical-girl-wants-her-cake-and-eat-it-to thing.
I mean, I cant have both of them.
And honestly, that would not make me happy either.

This would be so easy if I wasnt dating one of them.
Especially one I havent seen in three months.
Who was my first.
With his adorable baby face that makes me completely content,
From what I can remember.

But is it time to move on?
Does he deserve such an uncerimonious dumping,
after driving 17 odd hours to see me,
To move home,
In part, because of me?

No one deserves such heart break..

In this supposed triangle, (More like < with me at its point) I believe that either way? Someone is not going to be happy. But, because of me physically and conciously making someone unhappy? That is going to make me unhappy.

This is a lose-lose-lose situation.

And I just want him to fucking kiss me already.
But that would be cheating, and I wont do that.

Missions List

2008-10-28T19:42:00.003-07:00

Things to Accomplish in no certain order for order would be to orderly for this dame.

1. Do my evil bidding to the best of my ability.
2. Do others evil bidding to the best of whoever's ability (for ability is meaningless without cause.)

Acctuuaallly, here's the list:

1. Finish English 115 essay on Terrorism
2. Read obasan
3. Read Awakening
4. write Awakening essay
5. do "Souvenier book" project
6. Finish chapter 7 chinese worksheets
7. print off pages (chapters) of Biology, hole punch, put in binder and read.
8. Try not to lose my mind?
9. Steal lego from Couch, build guillotine, and sacrifice Lightning Mcqueen to the roommate gods.
10. Avoid punishment from above action at all costs.

I speak...

2008-09-21T22:03:00.003-07:00

I speak to an audience though no one's there.
I show my true feelings, and no one's there.
I turn with turmoil, and still? No one's there.

Remember when fantasies turned into realities, and you were more then just a part of me?

My room is littered with tiny paper circles,
Made from pieces of paper.
Cut, from a mediocre holepuncher.
Because consequently, life without holes is rather meaningless.

My "n" key sticks. I have to press it up to three times for it to commit to sticking on my page.
This is both frustrating and annoying.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Maybe now it wont be so reluctant.

Work sucks. But in a good way. the people are entertaining. Within merits.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.

Clarice is a girl I could get to know.
Cayle is a boy I dont want to know.
He asked me two days ago (Finally) if I had a boyfriend.
I think the only one who hasnt asked yet, (and has tried/sorta/ to get somewhere with me) is Troy. He is soo... I dont know. Insignificant.

NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

I guess I should ask that you're here when I fall again.
It seems important and inevitable. (NNNNN)
He changes his mind more then Canada' experiences odd weather schemes.

I should really do some work now. I'll make it through.

Turmoil.

2008-08-26T14:49:00.003-07:00

I am:
Frustrated, `cause I can tell it's real.
Mad, `cause I don't know how you feel.
Upset, `cause we can't make it right.
Sad, `cause I need you day and night. (Questionable.)
Angry, `cause you won't take my hand. (Distance makes this difficult.)
Aggravated, `cause you don't understand.
Dissapointed, 'cause we can't be together. But still?
I will love you forever.

When I first saw you, I was afraid to meet you.
When I first met you, I was afraid to kiss you.
When I first kissed you, I was afraid to love you.
But now that I love you, I'm afraid I've lost you.

We broke up again. How repetitive. This is the third time now?
I didnt think you flip-flopped this much, Richard.
But apparently, your heart is not at all connected to your actions.
Part of me thinks "There's no way he could conciously do this to me, again"
But then I think back to that time where you said the only way to get rid of Skyleen was to make her break up with you.
Is that what you're doing?
Fucking up on purpose so I get fed up and leave?
But it's never me that does the leaving, is it?
It's always you that gives up.
For once, I wish someone thought I was worth fighting for, you know?
But, you've proved that Im not.

You know, I've been told that "I'm so chill" and calm. That Im "low maintenance".
I thought that was a good thing.

You said you needed to get shit figured out. That's why you were out there to begin with.
But deary? That's why you left.
I realized you hadn't changed shortly after you mentioned that you were.
But I figured, "Hey, if he hasn't realized it, maybe he will change".
But you've realized it, which means that we have to change. To fit your needs. Again.
Like you said, you're no better then when you were here. You're still allergic to the phone.
You might be in love with me, like you so often proclaim, but you dont give a shit about me, do you?

It was said to me by someone close that we wouldnt have been together again if you hadn't of left. And sorry to doubt you dear, but I believe them to be right.
Of course this realization was stinging and delivered on my birthday, but the suffering continues, right?

And, to quote you "Fine, fuck it. Misery on both ends". But who's to say that that is in fact true? Would it not be more accurate to say "Fine, Misery on your end, relief on mine?" You were the one to express your want to be single, not I.

And as a parting jab? I was willing to fight for you. I did fight for you, consistently. Even when every one of your so-called friends told me you weren't worth it.

Alicia is....Wow

2008-08-11T20:26:00.004-07:00

...I live in an orange light,

Strictly surviving the plight to prove-

I could stand the fight

That you put yourself through daily;

Crying, "Won't somebody, anybody, save me?!"

But then, where would they be?...

I hate how the tab doesn't work on this ... website.

...And all I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your so-oul...

I am so happy right now. And its validated to an extent. But I feel the chopping block nears. No one is happy for long, you know?

I guess a better term is melancholic, actually. I am extremely happy at the moment, but far from content, which is the true essence of life. And I know that I am one short dissapointment away from total depression. I work steady to keep my mind blank, its my coping method. Its a diversion method. Anywho, back to the happyness. Its cause Im in love. Really truly honestly kopf over feet in love. Its messed up cause he's so far away. But I do love him.

I dont really know what else to say. My life does not by any means lack substance without him in it, but it seems to be that way lately. Its either work, or home. I have no inbetween. I will once school starts I guess. I hope. Well, rugby starts then too. It should be awesome.

He talks about just showing up and finding me. He thinks he's coming to Nanaimo before Christmas. Actually, he *knows* he's coming. But Im skeptical. Im hopeful, but skeptical. I miss him so much that I dont. I dont know if thats understandable. Its like, I've forced the ache out. If I refuse to think about it or talk about it or feel, in general... Then I dont cry when I think about him.

Pam is my moms girlfriend. She is very caring, and very... counsel, like. She sent me a text asking how I was and how things with farmer were. She said she doesnt know if she could handle what Im going through. The long distance, I mean. Which, is very true. She is very sensitive. If her and my mom dont talk at least 4 times in a day she gets depressive. Like "Oh its over, Im going to go drink away my worries."

I think that I am going to say that our past relationship was training for our current relationship. I mean, its very funny/sad when he is drunk and on the phone crying because he realizes that he was a great asshole a lot of our relationship, but I think that if I had seen him as often as I had wished when he was here, him being gone would tear me apart even more completely.

Does that make sense?

Trying

2008-08-10T20:00:00.002-07:00

I'm going to try to write a lengthy post without mentioning someone.

There is this song called "Almost lover" that I listen to lots later. its really good.

I ripped my fingernail off, almost. its like, semi attached. it hurts. yay for being a klutz.
I just want to sleep, and I cant. everything is too loud. even in my head.
I tried cody's meditation method, where you push everything out?
Well, my thought processes are more eminent then my will it seems.
Having the crazy-est dreams lately too. I only remember flashes of feeling though, not what made me feel that way in the first place. and I am waking up uneasy like something really bad is about to happen.

Work is going alright. I get paid on friday and it should be a very large (compared to what I was making) check.

I still have to return my uniforms from subway. and my library book. I think I will get everything done tomorrow morning, seeing as I seem to wake up mega early even when (like last night) I went to bed at 1 in the morning, passed out cause I was under an influence, and was up at 5.
Four hours of restless sleep, only to get up and go to work for 9 hours. Hmmm...

It seems there is something wrong with me and I dont know what it is. Im soooo lazy nowadays too. its frightening.

Im going to try and nap so tomorrow I am more productive. Was this a long post? Hell no. Is it going to get much longer? Probably not.

Out of Focus, Into Me and You

2008-08-05T12:11:00.003-07:00

Touch me fool, if you're allowed....
Well now, blunt lyrics.

I'm Aware, that all in love is fair, but that's no reason to make me feel this way.

So, haven't talked to my boy, since Thursday, dont expect to talk to him this week at all, seeing as his friends went up there, and I dont know how long they will be there, and apparently its a big holiday up there and he got the week off... A week. And he just started. That sounds fishy to me, but Im not going to say anything, you know? Its not my place to accuse him of perpetually lying.

Listening to FeFe dobson doesnt help the situation (check some of her lyrics off her first cd).

On my birthday, my mom told me that he wouldnt be my boyfriend if he was still here, and that the only reason we're "together" is so that I dont go find someone else while he's away.
Which, I think is partially true, whether he realizes it or not. But she didnt have to say that on my birthday. It made the rest of the night really shitty.
Plus, he didnt call, cause he thought my birthday was the next day (I know that cause he called and wished me a happy birthday the next day and I laughed and said "yeah, ok" and told him it was the day before and he freaked out. Mostly cause that was the one thing he promised not to screw up.) So, it made the night worse.

On thursday he cried. I dont know if he's acting and can just cry easily or if he actually misses me. Im hoping its the second.
Im too skeptical for my own good. Everything is percieved as fake emotion.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Living in my head, anyone would go crazy.

I want to learn guitar, I picked up my guitar a day that I was really missing him (he's the only one thats ever played that guitar) anywho, and the littlest string snapped. Fuck sakes.
I want to learn Fefe's songs. Lol. I want to learn to skateboard... I want to get mega fit...
But I've secretly got no ambition in this rut that Im in.
Im not even excited about school. Me, the social butterfly slash bookworm with a passion for learning and literature has no interest in it.
But I refuse to be a deadbeat. I just wish that I was an adult, done school, a certified nurse, with a house and a positive pregnancy test.
Isnt that creepy?

..Little red houses down under in my mind, got an 8x10 for ya to sign ...

Alicia Mercedes .... You get the drift.

2008-05-25T09:34:00.003-07:00

I am so stressed.
I feel like puking.
I didnt get to sleep until 3.30 last night and I woke up at like 5.30 and have been up since.
I can't get Richard out of my mind and Im afraid of the reasoning.
I think he may of done something stupid last night.

And although I dont want to admit it, the idea of him with Emmilie makes me want to puke.

Some parts of me want to show him this post, when its done. I guess we'll see which part wins over in the end.

I haven't seen him since monday, technically tuesday morning. Tuesday daytime I had to go get an ECP. What boyfriend in their right mind wouldnt call their girlfriend when they know she has to go get one of these things? Apparently he wouldnt. I didnt hear from him until Thursday, when I called to say happy birthday to his mom. Only then did he ask. If I hadnt of taken the pill? It would of been to late by then. Idiot. Then he tells me that Friday he is going to stop by my work to say hi to me. Didnt happen. In the same sentence he tells me he will be spending a lot of time there this weekend cause I work all weekend. Well, I work four days in a row, two of them are already finished. He hasnt been there. We make plans to hang out today. Guess what? Not here. The jury is still out on whether he will show though.

I'm tired of being his girlfriend when he decides to have a girlfriend.
I'm tired of hearing from him/ seeing him once a week.
That isnt a relationship. That's more like a girl on the side.
I understand that his friends are important to him, but I dont seem to factor into that.

Whenever he says he loves me I want to laugh, cause I dont believe him.
That whole ... "Actions speak louder then words" thing makes a lot of sense to me,
And so far he's failing.

He told me last time, (Last sunday, actually.) That if he fucked up again, he'd stop hurting me, he'd walk out of my life forever and leave me alone.
Yeah, cause thats the way to *stop* hurting me.

I just cant believe that that was last week and he's already fucking up again.
Usually you play the sorry attentive boyfriend when you've just had a falling out, non?

I think Im going to take a break from the boy.
I basically am already, only seeing him once a week.

Edit:

I called him. at 11.

I was like "So, so much for waking up at 9 eh?" and he was like "What?" I was like "So you dont remember?" and he was like, thinking, aloud, all like "What am I forgetting today? What is the importance of today" and I was like... "There is nothing important, we were just supposed to hang." and he was like ... "I dont remember. "
And I was like "Well, whatever." And he was like "Well, I gotta work in a half an hour anyways" (When he told me thursday he had today off.) And I was like "Kay" and he was like "Oops" And I was like "Have fun at work then" and hung up.
He hasnt called me back.

School

2008-05-02T11:04:00.002-07:00

Lunchtime breaks are for the popular kids to show how many people they can have follow them around for scraps off the bottom of their shoes.
I'd much rather be in class for the duration of all classes and then be free earlier, around 2.20 every day except fridays (12.50ish) then get a multitude of useless breaks. I mean, seriously. Where is the necessity?

Other then that, I'm just aggravated at everything lately and all I want to do is cuddle up to my boyfriend and fall asleep for a long time.

I re arranged my room, again. Its all different, except the desk.
The desk seems to be the only thing that doesnt move.
sometimes the long dresser, but only because I cant put it anywhere else without it looking like a safety hazard.

I saw Richard yesterday, but only momentarily as I had a bus to catch and he had to work. You know? I want to sleep.
I just want to sleep.

I think my mother is going to put me on these "health shakes" apparently they've done wonders for a few family friends of ours, made them all happy and focused.
Im thinking its a placebo effect.
Unless its jacked with artificial endorphins, if thats' even possible.

Im suprised that my school allowed this site, it doesnt allow anything anymore.
Its more because "School computers are not to be used for social networking" of anything like that. Games are strictly forboedn as well, and yes, I spelt that wrong purposely.
I think they're trying to prevent "cyberbullying" as well.
What a crock of shit.
If someone has enough time on their hands to dislike you for whatever reason, they are going to find a way to make it known. even if it is over the internet. There is no use preventing it at school, you know? Its just gunna happen when they get home because it seems like every thirteen year old kid knows how to run a computer these days.

Its fucking bullshit.

Im so edgy lately, and snapping at everyone. It isnt like me, and Idont enjoy it.
I really want to just grab my bag, stand up, leave and never come back.
Maybe I'd take a bus to a little shit town in the states, get an apartment and work waitressing at the local "diner" ....
Just my luck they'd make me wear pink.

200 posts? And a new song?

2008-05-01T22:16:00.002-07:00

Well, Im in love with a stripper.
Not really though.
I was just kidding.
But I am in love with a man.
Me, in love.
Try to hold your sides people.

So, I've a new current song obsession. Its like... my "Why wasnt this available earlier?" song...
Like, "Hey I love you, why dont others see that you're the only one?" kinda song.
Which is oddly obsessive but, not really.
Just, well, Read the goddamn lyrics.

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Here is the church and here is the steeple
We sure are cute for two ugly people
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me
So why can't, you forgive me?
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I will find my nitch in your car
With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
Up up down down left right left right
B A start
Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But youYou are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

We both have shiny happy fits of rage
You want more fans, I want more stage
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Don Quixote was a steel driving man
My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

so yeah.... I kinda like the band... Moldy Peaches, what a name, eh?

Silly me.

2008-04-12T00:59:00.001-07:00

If he ever read any/all of this, he'd be surpised.
He'd be silent.
Oh what I would do for that type of silence.
Not saying that he talks alot, but the silence of awe is a wonderful thing.
I want to write a lofty teenage novel.
One that doesnt say anything, doesnt mean anything.
One that isnt deep, isnt important, and will sell a million copies.
I've decided to name my main character Aphid.
Cute, right?
Just because its a brainless book doesnt mean it cant have name symbolism.
Aphid the bug, is gunna get smashed.
Or, drunk, maybe?
Another term for smashed?
Lets see how clever this all turns out.

Buy my book if my scheme works, btw.
I'll sign it for ya.

I hate this.

2008-02-19T20:51:00.003-08:00

I am not a jealous person by trade.
I do not envy other people, because everyone has their flaws.
I do not feel threatened by 16 year old girls.

So why the fuck is she driving me nuts?

I believe that they havent done anything,
And that if they have, it wasnt while we were together.
But why is she so persistent?

I dont want to make him choose.
More because that's not me.
But I almost feel forced to.

She's driving me nuts!
Calling him baby, telling him she's in love with him, and she'll show him a good time.

This shouldnt bug me.
I should just be able to write it off as a schoolgirl crush/semi-crazy obsession.

But I cant

So, Cody posted, which made me remember that I had a blog, so I posted.
Two of my aunts, if I have the story right, have died in the past 3 days.
I only met either of them once in my life, and it was a very good time on both occasions.
They were my grandmothers aunts..

I have a c+ in math 11 as my final grade.
1.5 percent off of an B.
I've never been so angry at myself in my life.
I refuse to even tell my mother.

Im so busy, that in my free time, Im basically vibrating from excess adrenaline.
Im either working, or in choir, or volunteering, or doing homework, or something along those lines.
I still have to complete my german homework.
I need time.
Everything is catching up.

I still dont even have a prom dress.
Shit, I was supposed to call them today.

Ceara, I, and Our Combined Awesome.

2008-01-14T22:27:00.000-08:00

Ceara: youre hot sex?

Me: Every day? In the church courtyard? Under the burning cross? WIth our love on fire? I still have to write you a dirty poem.

Ceara: yes after sex i want no more love of you i hope it turns to ashes and i accidentally delete you from my friends page

Me: Isnt it that way with every realationship?
Sex then poof, like the pheonix, ashes!

So, I'll write you a poem, because I promised you one.
I'll accept no demands, my mission is one. (Cum, darling, Cum.)
Your voice is a clarinet, with a strong reedy blow,
And underlying promises, of what lay below. (Oh below, oh below)
I fear I must end this, As not many things rhyme,
But I'll find the underwear you lost, in time (In time, in time)

Ceara: you write songs ill play the demos and well sell them dealio?

Alicia: you think Im good enough to write songs?Can I sing? Or we can both sing!
Yes. that will work

.I'll write you a song
I know it'll be all wrong
But it'll come from the heart
And thats a start

The lyrics will be easy
Quite lewd and sleasy
But we get along
Yes, we get along

(chorus)
And I'll write you a tune
That you can take to the moon
In your little, yellow, spaceship
And we'll sing and we'll play
And we'll touch the day away
In your little, yellow, spaceship

You'll look towards the back
While I stare at your rack
And ponder the days gone by
As I fly, higher then high.

chorus

Ceara:sadly, i hummed along to that

Alicia: Sadly?

and how the humming went, say you?
I'll keep writing if it pleases you.
This rhyming thing, its a disease
It'll have me yet, on my knee's
With a gag in my mouth, begging it to stop
While three witches sit silently, stirring the pot.

Ceara: it went dadadadadadadadadadadadadada see?
perfect
and i used to love rhyming
youre inspiring

Alicia:
Inspiring, though I screwed up the last bit.
But alas, a tit for tat and a tit for tit? (:P)
I'll have to stow these away,
And we can look back on them someday
Though I do believe you own me one
You know, for making you cum.
A poem for a poem, A brief, for a brief?
Mixing languages is quite... unbequeath.
I dont know if thats a word, but I will say it is so
The first one to challenge me? My mortal foe.

Tada.

Magnetism?

2008-01-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

It seems to be, when I really need someone, or even just want them a tad more then just casually, they show up. Now, I dont mean romantically. I mean like a burning need to talk to them, even if they're just a friend. Its happened before, lots, with Cody, as most people know. It happens at school all the time too, as soon as I get it into my head that I need to talk to someone, they show up.
So I wonder, will it work tonight?
Somehow I dont trust it when it comes to him.
So, Im going to take action, I know, me, taking action, big suprise.
When I call, hopefully he'll answer.
But I dont know what I want to say, I just know that I need to say it.
Need to say it desperately.
So much that its making my chest feel like someone's sitting on it, and my head feel like there isnt enough oxygen.
I dont understand how he does this to me.
Its never happened before.
The only emotion I can compare this with is like a dreaded fear.
How can you fear calling someone?
I think its more the fear of what they'll say.
But, if you stay on safe topics, how is that an issue?
I fear that I need to talk about an unsafe topic.
A topic so dangerous that the issue itself hangs from a glass thread.
The slightest wind, will smash it.
How is this possible?
Why do I feel this way?
Will the phone call, as I hope, make the feeling go away?
What about the other possibility? What if it gets worse?

Some Random Bits O' Poetry

2008-01-04T00:27:00.000-08:00

Basically, things I've found randomly, on looseleaf, that I sorta remember writing.

Petting pawing

Biting Clawing

Smooth Rough

Obsession

Alluring Tempting

Law Abiding

Citizen Involving

Addictive

Always Revolving

Never Stopping

Turning Tumbling

Passionate

You wanted to be with me
I wanted to be alone
You asked how you could be near me
And I pointed to the phone
You seem to have no chance
To you it isnt clear
I'll always choose another
Never shedding a tear

Just once more

Tell me once more how it goes

'cause I cant remember anymore

But I know

Everythings been left behind

We arent feeling anything

So just once more

Tell me how it used to go

How we used to live

How we felt

Because we arent feeling anymore

See this?
Yeah, this here is me
Written in ink
First draft

Oh, if my english teachers saw this
I wonder if they know

If they know how many half baked,

Half concious

Penned first drafts they recieved

They gave A's too.

If they only knew.

They say things in languages only they understand

Convey emotion and set themselves up

Hide their vulnerability in their strength

In their wit and classic charm

Realizing only afterwards the fools they made themselves

But everyone has 20/20 hindsight
Everyone see's what they *should* have done.

Half finished poems

trailing off in thought

a not-quite-finished masterpiece

not well drawn out

just spiralling down

making less and less sense

as the stanza's grow

an undefined concept

perpetual confusion...

Transfixed

A hand reaches toward the flame

reaches toward the scorching heat

unaware of the consequences

of the blistering pain attached

to such a hypnotizing beauty

The flame dances playfully
and licks the hand invitingly

giving the warmth without the sting

tempting the hand to go further

convincing it that it hasnt,

found the real treasure

and almost there,

the hand begins to feel the pain

awakened to a new sensation

too horrified to pull away

having successfully surrendered

its power and free will

to the uncontrollable majesty

of fire.

Tada, So they arent all poems I guess. Unless you're very forgiving of half baked free verse. Comment?

Lawls. Thinking Makes Me Think

2008-01-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

So, We're all talking online. And I wrote this for me, essentially, then it branched, and now hopefully you'll read it and its for you too.

So here goes:

I guess I of all people
should know how I feel
should know how I want things
to go, to turn out
but, I bet you know better,
then I do,
I bet most people do

Bets are dangerous things
we already figured this out
But it was a learning experience
I found out how detatched I could make myself
How distant and un-needing
You found out how weak your efforts were,
and that not everyone gave you what you wanted on a silver platter,
no matter how deviously you attempted to obtain it.

You say we mesh well, that we've got chemistry
you actually state these things as fact.
Thats a difference between us
You know it to be truth, and I'm scared to voice the same opinion,
even after constantly wondering why I felt, feel, so comfortable with you.

I am a walking contradiction
Linds would most likely call me a
"teenaged girl with the mind of a hormonally driven teenage boy"
at this point....

I'll explain why.

Its like, in my head, I could take him or leave him.
I rejected him at the last party, but I dont know if he remembers
I'm fickle, things seem to have to be my way, or else... well, Im not
interested. He kissed me and I didnt kiss back, which is both cruel
and unexplainable. But it didnt feel right, so I didnt "respond"

Other times, Im tickling and poking him, till no end, either
because Im bored or just want attention.
Which, I have no problems with admitting that sometimes
I need a lot of attention to satisfy me, actually, it happens often
Though, quiet-alone time is necessary as well.
Back to the boy though...

Im indecisive, I like being around him, and feel comfortable,
but still dont trust him completely.
But then, what 17 year old,
female especially, doesnt have trust issues?
With all the shit with date-rape drugs and all this other
nasty stuff, how can you be totally trusting?

Not that I think he'd do that in any way shape or form.
He's actually rather ....gentlemanly?
I mean, we've kissed, but he hasnt tried to force me to do more
after I told him "too fast" in like, October.
lawls.

Katie knows the stories, she cares about me,
which is awesome.
because although I have my fair share of friends, not all of them are true.

She say's he's trying really hard by the sounds of it, and she even knows about the
"You're a girl and Im a boy" comment.

She wonders (aloud) if I'll ever give in, just let go and feel sorta thing.
She says I think too much that I need to just .. "release"

I think she was trying to be deep.
Or full of wisdom.
But, then again, she also says that he's the girl in the relationship.

He tells me that he misses me almost everytime we talk
I've tried sayin it, it doesnt work, I just sputter,
and switch the topic.

And I do miss him, I know that.
And I can say that, to other people,
just not to him.

I think its a power thing.
I hate the feeling that any one person other then my mother
could have power of any sort over me, and by saying that I miss him,
Im giving him power, showing vulnerability.

Not going to happen anytime soon, but Im working on it.
I promise.

I hope I've made sense through all this.
I know how sometimes I go off on a tangent and get all....
Well, no one understands but me.
Though I think its perfectly clear.
I forget sometimes, that not everyone can see into my head,
and understand how my thought processes work.

-Comment?

Leasha

Explaination

2007-12-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

I really dont know how to explain how I feel right now.
The best way I can attempt is that I ache.
I ache, and I dont know why, nor can I really control it.
And then I focus on the ache, and it expands, and I lose the idea that I need to breathe.
I havent cried, not a single tear.
I dont see how it would help the situation. It wouldnt make me feel better,
It would just make me well... look like I'd just been crying.

The stupidest things remind me of him, and I wince.
Like, the whole win, or lose situation.
Which is just things he used to say all the time, basically.

I speak like he's gone, dead.
And, in a way, he is.
He's gone from me.

How could I get this attached to something I never had, never owned.

The only thing I can think to do is write.
To write it out, release it, and absolve it from myself.

There's so many people out there, how can you just focus on one?
But then again, how can one person do this to another, conciously,
I still dont understand the reasoning.

I have a lot of guy friends.
Maybe it should just stay that way.
Just friends.

Another thought dwindles, could we be friends after this?
Do I want to?
Will that just further injure my psyche?
Does he still want to be friends?

There are so many questions I am craving to ask,
And there are so many answers Im afraid to hear.
But if I knew, would that not give closure?
If I dont ask, and Im most certain he wont volunteer the information,
will it still be ok?
The idea of suffering isnt appealing, but is it really?

Will I become that oversensitive, who looks like they've just been stung,
staring out with hurt eyes?
Could my sense of self worth take such a beating?
I dont think so.

So, I'll carry on, because I've no other choice.
I'll move on, or at least say I have.
I'll continue to put a smile on my face, and I'll turn the page.

So I've missed some months.

2007-08-22T23:58:00.001-07:00

I havent been writing much of anything.
I had some fun this summer instead.
Kinda, got a life? Maybe?
Or just, figured it wasnt important enough to write about.
But, tonight I sat down and just started writing.
And, if I could write music with my guitar, I'd have a song.
I dont know if its any good yet, cause I dont even know what type of melody would go with it.
But I have a start, I have the lyrics.
Here:

How can I say this when its been said, so many times before?
How can I put this into words you wont ignore?
Where do I begin to tell you how I feel?
I guess for you it was too real.

And all I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

I see you're leaving
Your stuff is packed and at the door
You said you couldnt take it
Couldnt take the ups and downs anymore

And all I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

And Im going to keep singing till my voice is hoarse
Keep belting it out till there's no more chorus
Wishing every word could be as important as what you mean, to me

All I want to tell you is that I love you
All I want to say is that I care
Its so hard to admit this to you
Cause this time tomorrow you wont be there

Wont be there.

Tada.
Its ok for a first effort draft try thing a ma bob er.

Holy Parallel Universe Batman.

2007-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

I just realised I have 10 more days of school till Eurotour.
And then one day of school after Eurotour.
And only 40 more days on this Continent.
That is saddening. Actually, its downright depressive.

In 40 days the journey is over.
I still feel like its just begun.
I cant actually see myself going home.
Though I can see myself waiting 7 hours in the Seattle Airport.
I have no idea what I am going to do for 7 hours in the Seattle Airport.
I think I will just sit there numbly thinking about Austria.
I know my mom wants me home.
and it makes me wonder why I dont want to go home.
I love my mom and all, but Im not attached to her anymore.
I cant tell what she is feeling when Im not there anymore.
She is frightened of losing that connection, I didnt even feel it slip away.

I still have to tell my school that my last day of school is the 5th of June.
I still have to talk to my old host sister and get her to give me the 30€ when
I give her the key to the locker.

I have to clean out my locker.
and buy some summer clothes.
and throw out the clothes that dont fit anymore.
By throw out I mean give away.

I have to say goodbye, and I so dont want to.
And its no use saying 'you have 40 days'
because I dont.
I have 10 to say goodbye to my friends at school.
I have eurotour to say goodbye to my exchange student friends.
and I have a couple of days after euro tour to say goodbye to my host family.

This is so gunna suck.

Mir Scheißegal

2007-04-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

I just keep remembering your hands
And I just keep thinking about how this is never going to end
I just keep hearing the things that you’re saying,
But Im not taking any of it in.

I want to be famous.
Not like that ‘Once fucked, Twice Fried’ famous.
That famous that actually means something.
That inspiring-educating-informative-self realizing way.

I want to be noticed.
I know I am already.
But I want to be noticed for something,
Something important.

There are things I have to remember about the exchange year.
Mostly catch phrases.
Like:

‘We’re not Alcoholics, We’re exchange students’
‘Is that a porno or a music video?’
’Morning!’
’I will be happy, damnit.’

Stuff like that.

Im so fucking confused.
I mean, I don’t know if I want to leave.
I don’t know if I like him.
I don’t know whats going on.
And I really need to get some air.

In the sense of I need to get out,
Just talk to a friend that would understand.
But those don’t exist here.
Thinking about it, they didn’t really exist in Canada either.
There was no one person that knew Everything.
There was a bunch of people that knew a bunch of little things.
And if they pieced it all together, they still wouldn’t know the half of it.

I hate how weak I’ve become.

Psyche

2007-03-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

In der Hand die kleine Lampe,
In der Brust die große Glut,
Schleichet Psyche zu dem Lager,
Wo der holde Schläfer ruht.

Sie errötet und sie zittert,
Wie sie seine Schönheit sieht
-Der enthüllte Gott der Liebe,
Er erwacht und er entflieht.

Achtzehnhundertjährge Buße!
Und die Ärmste stirbt beinah!
Psyche fastet und kasteit sich,
Weil sie Amorn nackend sah.

Im to lazy to translate, so I used the Dictionary.com translator, which missed half the words.
Have fun.

In the hand the small lamp,
in the chest the large glow,
creep psyche to the camp,
where the holde rest
they erroetet and it trembles,
like it its beauty sees
-Der revealed God of the love,
it awaked and it entflieht.

Achtzehnhundertjaehrge Busse!
Und the poorest one dies beinah!
Psyche chamfered and kasteit themselves,
because she saw Amorn nackend.

So, you get the jist of it. Its about something famous, I forget.

Oooooohhh

2007-03-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

When you were young
You were the king of carrot flowers
And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees
In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet

My bank transfer went through today.

I now have money in my account.

So I took 300 euro out,

to pay for ski camp

WHICH IS IN 2 DAYS.

And your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder

And dad would throw the garbage all across the floor

As we would lay and learn what each other's bodies were for

I got a picture of Leo for Linds.

He is an awesome kid,

half the time everyone hates him though.

Because all the teachers like him,

and he boasts a bit.

But I just think its all rather funny.

And this is the room

One afternoon I knew I could love you

And from above you how I sank into your soul

Into that secret place where no one dares to go

I walked home today.

Bought some eyeshadow,

and some gum,

and a lot of batteries.

Found a wallet on the sidewalk.

It was raining.

I just picked the wallet up,

and kept walking.

Smooth as butter.

There was 50 euro in it.

It would of been so easy just to take the money,

and leave the wallet lying there.

But instead, I brought it home,

looked the woman up in the phonebook,

called her, and told her I found her wallet.

Her hair is maginificent.

Red black and orange curls.

Like, Woah.

And your mom would drink until she was no longer speaking

And dad would dream of all the different ways to die

Each one a little more than he could dare to try

Other then that, I leave in 2 days.

To meet a bunch of friends.

And a bunch of newbies.

Shit, I gotta pack prezzies and cards.

Oh well.

Alicia, out.

Untitled.

2007-03-01T10:04:00.000-08:00

Hey Hey You You
I don't like your girlfriend
No way No way
I think you need a new one
Hey Hey You You
I could be your girlfriend

Alicia is to obtain a photo of Leonhard,

For Linds.

He's got a cute smile.

And shares knowing smirks with me,

When someone is being a complete idiot.

Its fun, having a sort of ally.

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

I've got more and more friends daily.

More and more of them are realizing that Im cool.

Even the blonde devil in my class is easing up.

Slightly.

You're so fine

I want you mine

You're so delicious

I think about you all the time

You're so addictive

Don't you know

What I can do

To make you feel alright

I've been looking at horoscope shit lately.

Apparently I think I rule the universe.

And Im really shallow and vain.

Oh, and Linds and me would be passionate.

And Aaron and I would be like.. workable.

And Cody and I would be able to read each others minds.

Who fucking figured.

Don't pretend

I think you know

I'm damn precious

And hell yeah

I'm the mother fucking princess

I can tell you like me too

And you know I'm right

Tomorrow it is quite possible,

That I am not going to school tomorrow.

I have to go to the Visa office first.

And depending on how long that takes..

She's like so whatever

You can do so much better

I think we should get together now

And that's what everyone's talking about

Life is going pretty good,

I know Im going to miss Austria now.

At first I wasnt so sure.

But at first I had no friends

no real connections with anyone in my daily life.

Now I've got a family that I love,

Friends who I adore,

Who also think Im insane, but thats a give in.

Extroverted Canadian versus Someone Introverted,

Civilised, and Austrian.

Hmm

Hey Hey You You

I don't like your girlfriend

No way No way

I think you need a new one

Hey Hey You You

I could be your girlfriend

Im running out of things to say.

But the song isnt over yet!

Imma just post the rest.

Deal?

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

I can see the way

I see the way

You look at me

And even when you look away

I know you think of me

I know you talk about me all the time

again and again

So come over here and tell me what I wanna hear

Better, yet, make your girlfriend disappear

I don't wanna hear you say her name ever again

Because...She's like so whatever

You can do so much better

I think we should get together now

And that's what everyone's talking about

Hey Hey You You

I don't like your girlfriend

No way No way

I think you need a new one

Hey Hey You You

I could be your girlfriend

Hey Hey You You

I know that you like me

No way No way

No, it's not a secret

Hey Hey You You

I want to be your girlfriend

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in

She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinking?

In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger

'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in

Anyone possibly want to download then send to me?

Pretty Please?

She's so..

2007-02-28T12:22:00.000-08:00

Did I forget about the simple rule of life
You pay a price for all your choices
Well I`ve learned my lesson
Looking from the other side

Guy who sings the song is named Tobias Regner.

Go figure.

Alicia's bank card didnt work again today.

But she emailed Ingrid, and she said,

that it was ok and could be late.

So basically Rotary is gunna pay it for me,

And then go "Hey, Alicia, you gotta pay us back"

every five minutes.

BUT I STILL GET TO GO.

I thought that I was through

Don't know who's fooling who cause

Shes, She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

So, She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now

She's so damn good

I had a daydream.

In it, I owned a green jeep,

Was camping, with my mom and her girlfriend

Yah, she had a girlfriend,

Oh, and Cass and my boyfriend.

You dont need to know who that was.

I had a party with 50 people,
got engaged,
got pulled over by the cops,
(For having my music too loud.)

And someone asked me to sleep with him,

which made me laugh.

I talk myself into that bullshit all the time

At least it made me so much wiser

I tell my friends I really got her off my mind

Then I told my mom I was,

engaged and not a virgin.

Just like, a passing comment.

And she was like "uh, what?!"

Then I explained to her,

That when my grandmother took me,

to Austria for a vacation,

I snuck out, leaving her sleeping,

in my host families house,

And ran into a friend..

Yeahhh....

Did I say that I was through?

Don't know who's fooling who cause

She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now

She's so damn good

Other then that, I get to pay 1230€

But my bank card isnt working

I also missed my german lesson today

Because she made it an hour earlier.

And didnt tell me.

Then blamed it on me that I had a free hour

the hour before the class, so she couldnt find me,

Though in the break she was talking to my friend,

sitting right fucking beside me,

and could of told me then.

Wish what I feel

Could be for real

Not just a one way cry

That don't seem to fly

I was going to make a post totally in German.

But then I thought of Linds.

So I figured Id be nice.

Though she thinks I have the mindset,

Of an undersexed teenaged boy.

I dont hold it against her.

She's so unforgettable

She's so unerasable

It kills me slowly not to be around her

She's so unforgivable

And if I never understood

It hits me now Shes

She's so damn good

2007-02-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

So this lady that goes on my bus every once in a while talked to me.
She said "wow, its hot," and took off her toque. (Its pronounced tuuk)
Then she asked me to set the time on her cellphone cause she didnt understand it.
Well, I dont really understand cellphone german either, but I knew enough from
fiddling around on my sisters and looking at the pictures.
So I set it for her.
Then she started talking about the mountains and snow.
But she said mountain instead of berg.
So I knew she spoke english.
So I interupted asking, and we started talking in english.
I think she is from like, Jamaica.
Nice lady.

Bank Card wasnt working today.
I tried it 3 times. Then it was like "sorry, no more trying"
Said I had the wrong pincode.
I know my pincode.
And I need to pay my skicamp
By tomorrow!.

Shitshitshitshit

Weekend.

2007-02-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

Hello? Is anyone there? Can anyone hear me? Can anyone feel me? Am I even here? Im feeling like Im floating. And not in that good, on a light cloud way. On that weird sinking gravity confusing cloud way. It could be the fact that my life is basically a rollercoaster right now, and I have only slept 3 hours, and have school tomorrow. I really wish I was Chels, she doesnt have to go to school, she just lounges on the Thai beaches.
I was so excited about Eurotour, and I might not be able to go, because of the stupid Visa, which I didnt get around to obtaining. Well, I tried, back in December, and then I forgot about it after the school break ended. Then I remembered and I have everything I need for it, but I have to go with my councellor, and he is like, not returning my calls. But if I dont have it
by March 15th the latest, I might not be able to go. Fuck.
I also have to email my mom and ask her to fax me some thing saying from her that I am allowed going, as we are going to a whole lot of different countries. Im going to Spain and Holland and Cheq. and Italy and the whole tour starts about a half hour away from where I live. Which means I dont have to take a 4 hour train with pent up nerves of seeing everyone again. And I can go early, because its not far. Or I could sleep in and go late.
We went to Zankl yesterday and today. My host sister was a bit sad because the younger one didnt show up, and the older one did, and was being a bit of an ass. Though no one seemed to remember him being an ass before, I do. It was funny for me. But he was still hitting on me and stuff, so thats always fun. Then (this was saturday) we went home and my other host sisters best friend and her were like, a bit on edge, so the friend hung out with me and the younger host sister and they fell asleep at 2 or so. Alicia did not have that luxury.
She fell asleep at 3.30 and woke up at about 5 because she was cold. So she ran upstairs, grabbed her blanket and ran back down. We all slept on the same couch, three of us girls. Then Alicia fell back asleep about 7, and we woke up at 8 and had breakfast (which was fresh from
Italy) and played a really complicated version of Uno (when a 9 is up you have to slap hands down, last one down has to take two cards, when a 1 is up, you have to connect thumbs up signs and the one on the top takes a card, when a 7 is up, you switch hands counterclockwise.) and
an Italian game and watched some movies. Then we went back to Zankl, at about 6pm, after Tati (Tatiana. 13, sluttish.) showed up. Played some foosball, stole a ball so we dont have to pay an euro every time, (we just put cardboard in the goals, then the ball goes in, but not down.) drank some sprite (Im the only one old enough to drink Alcohol, and really didnt want to.) got bored and went home. Tati is sleeping here tomorrow. She is avery odd girl. My host sister Eva says that she doesnt like her. But then Tati says she has the number of the younger, that Eva likes, and all of a sudden they are gossiping and giggling like lifemates. Its kinda sad, how much Eva wants the number.

Song break:

Mach die Augen zu und Küss mich.
Und dann sag das du mich liebst.
Ich weis genau, es ist nicht wahr.
Doch ich spüre keinen Unterschied, wenn du dich mir hingibst.

And for Linds, (And others?) the less romantic english version!
Roughly Translated by me personally!

Close your eyes and kiss me.
And then say that you love me
I know that its is not true,
but there is no difference if you give yourself to me.

Im thinking Im too lazy to translate the whole song.
Read it here if you want the whole damn thing. ^^Click Here. +)

I dont know what else to say, writing for the sake of writing gets boring it seems.
There is this cute boy in the class of my friends. I hang out there in the break. (Only one break, 15 minutes. So sad.)He talks to me, one day I was on the computer when he was beside me, (this was in my free block) and he was all "Wow, look how fast she types," and started imitating me, which, really, all he did was pound the keyboard. I actually articulate thought, for the most part. There is another boy in that class, he always talks to me too, but not cute. He is always "Hello! How are you,So, where exactly do you live? Do you need money? (This was when I was buying something at the canteen) "Good english.
Tomorrow I have two hours first thing of history. I dont like my history teacher. He asked me a question one dayconcerning History, like "What are your views on the downfall of the Roman empire" or some shit, cause he didntrealize I am an exchanger. Then he was all "oh, I didnt know" when everyone started laughing and saying "ya, she doesntknow much german".
I do, really, they just dont need to know that. Its not my fault that they dont have the patience to let me think about it.I can write better then I can speak though. Its that whole, afraid of saying it wrong because I usually do thing. But whatever.
I have to play Volleyball on the 6th of March in a school tournament.
Apparently Tati and Eva are going to Zankl tomorrow. I have 12 hours school (till 6pm) tomorrow, and then Volleyball after. It never seemed like a lot of time back home, being at school till 6. Here it is like, a life sentence.

2007-02-22T02:39:00.000-08:00

So this is Alicia as the artist started painting her face. Her host sister Eva decided that it would be a good idea to take photo's all the way through. Then she got offered alcohol and forgot, so Alicia had to remind her. This is rather difficult, typing enough to span the size of the picture so the other picture gets enough space and whatnot. Layout making is tough work. Anyways, the whole painting took like... 20 minutes. In the future, when I cant think of information, I will be posting song lyrics. Just so you know in advance.

This is the artist that painted Alicia's face.
He also painted some pictures that are hanging up in Zankl, lyrics will be in another colour.

Mama was queen of the mambo

Papa was king of the Congo

Deep down in the jungle

I started bangin' my first bongo

Every monkey'd like to be

In my place instead of me

Cause I'm the king of bongo,

babyI'm the king of bongo bong

This is Patricia. She is 9 or something. Cute little kid. Likes to play cards and foosball. Thankfully not the annoying little 11 year old that wouldnt shut up about the boys that kept looking at me.

Like its really my fault that people look at me.

Im used to it.

I went to the big town

Where there is a lot of sound

From the jungle to the city

Looking for a bigger crown

So I play my boogie

For the people of big city

But they don't go crazy

When I'm bangin' in my boogie

This is (From left to right); Andy (Barkeep), Patrick (W.), Michelle (French name.), and Patrick (H).

I love this photo. Its like what we do back home. But there would be a lot more groping back home. Just cause. And probably more females. Even if one is dressed as a female. He gave kisses all night, always reapplying lipstick and kissing some poor sucker on the cheek, leaving a bright pink lip mark. Hehe.
Notice the blue stockings and dress falling 'up'. Pretty damn sexy right? Nah, but he was cool. Is cool, still, maybe.

This is Patrick and Patrick. In no particular order XD.

I dont know who these people are. Check out that chicks red eyes. Flippin creepy. XD

Bluntly Put...

2007-02-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.

Im in a rocking disoriented mood.

In the way that I can remember exactly,

what Ive eaten, and how much Ive slept

since friday.

I can tell you that neither are very much.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

Its not that Ive been starving myself.

Or making myself stay awake.

just taking a bit of food or a drink of water,

sends my stomache stumbling.

I've kissed your lips and held your hand.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

And with the sleeping thing,

I didnt sleep at all Saturday,

Slept four and a half hours Sunday..

Slept I think 6 Monday,

And last night I woke up at 3am wide awake.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me

It used to get like this when someone,

wasnt telling me something that they should.

I could always tell.

It always physically affected me somehow.

Its not always someone who is close to me either.

Just someone who feels connected to me.

I am a dreamer and when i wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

My physics teacher (who is also,

my volleyball coach),

asked me to the front of the class today,

at the beginning of class,

and talked to me about volleyball.

Then he asked me a question during class,

that no one knew the answer to,

and because I didnt know it,

made me and the girls beside me who also didnt know,

go up to the board and do all the examples.

Bastard.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I told Katie a week ago,

that I needed a glass of water,

before I jumped into the pool.

It was a metaphor, and I thought

of it on the spot. That was boss.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

This is my 183 post. But Im deleting one,

so its my 182.

Because it double printed my last one.

I finally transferred to the google way of blogger.

If I have to do the "labels for this post"

Imma write "random teenaged babbling"

Thats all I ever do.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

-fin-

Double Argh With Knobs Austrian Style?

2007-02-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

If I told you it happened again would you listen?
Would you believe me?
Have you ever fully believed me?

So, we had faschings.
That was a total blast.
Its like, the whole city dressing up and then getting drunk.

But if I hear:

Einen Stern der Deinen Namen trägt
Hoch am Himmelszelt
Den schenk ich Dir heut Nacht
Einen Stern der Deinen Namen trägt
Alle Zeiten überlebt Und über unsere
Liebe wacht

Or:

Aber eins kann mir keiner, (eins kann mir keiner) (2x)
eins kann mir keiner, (eins kann mir keiner)
eins kann mir keiner nehmen und das ist die pure Lust am Leben!

IMMA SHOOT SOMEONE.

Because they got drunk. Then they sang it in the street. Then they sang it to me. And then they started changing other lyrics to fit me, and sang them.

Oh, So, btw... WITHDRAWALS GONE. Heh.

I think I left my halo in the overhead compartment of the plane to Copenhagen.

So, I was gunna like.. give the whole detailed version, (but I think I will just give the overview )which I will write somewhere and let it eventually get put up here (because you all love hearing about my life...XD) and then the few people who read this can go 'Omg Alicia you did what?! You?! And he did what?!'

But lets not get into that right now. I dont have the energy to be that specific. (Plus, no one is online to vent at and consequently bring up more memories of the night by it.)

So:
Alicia met a boy at a bar.
The first way they ever communicated was him asking a stupid question and alicia giving the finger.
Later they played fussball. (Like, with a table and shit.) on the same team.
A little girl was there (11) and when he hugged Alicia because they won, she burst laughing.
Then informed alicia that 'OMG HE LIKES YOU'
I was never like this at 11. A hug is a hug.
Then Alicia was dancing with her host moms friend.
And he cut in.
Alicia cant dance these funny austrian dances.
But he made her dance with him anyways.
(I learned later that my host sister was like 'yeah, sure, she can dance' when he asked her.)
Thankfully the little girl wasnt there. She woulda been on my case the rest of the night.
Then a man in a purple latex suit (sometime later) (btw, like 40.. )walked into the bar and grabbed my boob.
I just took his hand off and kept walking.
My host mom wanted me and my host sister (13) to go home, because she wanted to go into the city.
I said I would take care of my sister and we stayed there for a bit.
(Sidenote: We had been hanging out with two guys (the one I danced with) and for like.. 4 or so hours and whatnot in the fussball room (seperate room from the bar area, quiet.. ) both are ... Well, lets say both are older then Aaron. Almost. One is the same age.) And anywho, after my host mom left we went to the older (kay. he's 21) guys house and grabbed bacardi and jim beans. then we walked to my house.)
Then after that we sat outside for a bit (at this point the younger was kissing my neck. Ha.) then my host mom came home. And we stayed outside cause we didnt want her to see us (still being kissed.) then she went to her room to go to bed and we went upstairs to mine. (sidenote: after like two hours at the bar, the younger kept saying 'Im sleeping at your house or you are sleeping at mine tonight' to me. XD)
So then I unlocked my door, cause I had locked it earlier when we got home cause I didnt want him snooping around in it. and then we went out on my deck, (more kissing), my host sister and the boys smoking, then being hugged cause it was cold (and a convienent way for him to get closer so he could grab my ass XD)
Then going inside, and yeah, more kissing and whatnot...
Then him asking me to go to bed... and his friend laughing.
Then it was like ... 4 in the morning, and I was bored of him kissing me.. (und weiter aber das 'is detailed.' )
So I asked my host sister (who had moved to the bed , as all of us sleeping on the floor would be stupid.) if she was tired and she said no, so I asked her if she wanted to play cards.

I know, Im probably one of the only girls in the world that complains of withdrawals, has a boy kissing up on her, and would rather play cards cause he bores her.
Im so cool.

So then he asks me (and Im going to remember this for a long time) (and sorry linds, I can only say it in german) 'Willst du es nicht?'
To which I replied 'Na'
And his friend burst out laughing.

Oh, shit, I forgot, before this he was like, laying on me, (Erm, I was sitting with my knee's up, and he was lying against them.) and his friend (who is really nice, adorable.. funny. cut a ketchup bottle in half cause nothing would come out... o.0) was looking at pictures (didnt tell us that) on his camera (I swear he just kept taking them damnit.) so then the younger wants it dark (cause the cell had a really strong light) and he is all like 'shut off your damn phone' and then they like, argue, cause one wants to continue kissing up on me, and the other wants to look at photos. So finally the first one asks 'What the deuce are you doing anyways' something along those lines and the older replies 'Im looking at photos of tonight' I was just like 'Oh shit, what all does he have on his phone' in my head.

Anywho, after I said no, he climbed into bed with my host sister and started trying shit with her.
He is 19. She is 13. Thats a little young.
But whatever.

the sad thing is that now she likes him. and I think she thinks he likes her.
I dont think she understands the ''your just a piece of young ass' concept.

And now she is also ''OMG WE GOTTA GO THERE NEXT WEEKEND'
Which, I have no problem with. But she went all... 'we can go this weekend and this weekend and this weekend....'

Little overdone.

SONG:

Skip town. slow down
Push it to the east coast
Step down turn around
Push it to the west
Need less, use less
We're asking for too much I guess
Cause all we get is...

Dead disco Dead funk Dead rock and roll
Remodel Everything has been done
La la la la la la la la la la

Tits out, pants down
Overnight to London
Touch down, look around
Everyone's the same
World wide, air tight
No one's got a face left to blame

Dont need more, its just the chorus over and over again.

If anyone can dfind me the lyrics of 'This is for you' by Velvet, I would be happy.

2007-01-18T23:45:00.000-08:00

You're a heavy hitter, but unlike the full-on alpha type, you don't care to play Boss Lady all the time. After all, with leadership comes a lot of -- sigh -- expectations, and you like your freedom too much to play that game. You're fine near, not at, the top at work, and find fulfillment in your personal life. You know the modern woman's secret: it is possible to have it all, just not all at once.

Or not?

2007-01-18T12:57:00.000-08:00

We had fire in our eyes
In the beginning I
Never felt so alive
In the beginning you
You blame me but
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't want to hear it anymore

I might be going to Ireland in April

I have to ask one of my friends,

to see if she will ask her homeroom teacher.

To see if I can go with them.

Cause its not my class.

I swear I never meant to let it die

I just don't care about you anymore

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

I just don't care about you anymore

We have a storm warning.

7 people dead.

Its 130-150km/h winds.

Its called an Orkana.

I think that means "Shit, we're doomed"

In some language.

We had time on our side

In the beginning we

We had nothing to hide

In the beginning you

You blame me but

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

I just don't want to hear it anymore

I might go visit Lucy or Maija,

for part of Easter break.

Its a long way off, I know,

but you gotta plan ahead.

I swear I never meant to let it die

I just don't care about you anymore

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

I just don't care about you anymore

One of my sisters is a stripper.

It doesnt phase me.

It doesnt matter to me.

She saves up her money and see's the world.

She's been to Ecuador, and Thailand.

She goes to the U.k. in March,

She's seen Panama and Peru,

Mauritius, Japan, United Arab Emerites,

and other parts of Canada.

You say that I didn't try

I swear I never meant to let it die

I just don't care about you anymore

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

2007-01-17T23:55:00.000-08:00

Vancouver Island is located off Canada's Pacific coast and is part of the Canadian province of British Columbia. The island is 460 km (285 miles) long and up to 80 km (50 miles) wide. The largest island on the western side of the Americas at 32,134 square kilometers (12,407 square miles), it is the world's 42nd largest island, Canada's 11th largest island and Canada's second highest populated island. The island is named in honour of George Vancouver, the British Royal Navy officer who explored the Pacific northwest coast between 1791 and 1794

So, I have to do this project on canada and where I come from and shit.
And I am at school, where I cant print things. This goes here for now.

Comprising ten provinces and three territories, Canada is a bilingual and multicultural country, with both English and French as official languages at the federal level

The name Canada comes from a word in the language of the St. Lawrence Iroquoians, canada, meaning "village" or "settlement"

Capital Ottawa

Prime Minister Stephen Harper

32.8 million people

Canada by far has more lakes than any other country in the world and has a large amount of the world's freshwater

Banknote peoples, from 5$ on:

Wilfrid Laurier, John A Macdonald, Queen Elizabeth II, William Lyon Mackenzie, King Robert Borden

Bathtub racing started in Nanaimo, British Columbia and involves the use of a bathub boat. The first races began with the "Nanaimo to Vancouver Great International World Championship Bathtub Race" in 1967.[1] The idea was conceived to showcase Nanaimo to the world.

Yeah

2007-01-17T12:47:00.000-08:00

There are no guarantees in life
Not for the present,
Nor for the future.
All I know is That I'm here;
Don't know for how long.

So, I had this whole layout planned.

To Discuss, topics and all.

Then two days went by.

And Still I hadnt posted.

I realised that it isnt so important anymore.

I realised I have changed.

I love the way

You live so intensely

Enjoy every minute of life

With space to swing

Your arms around

Laughing loudly

I was going to write about how this girl,

She used to bug me a lot, when I first

Changed classes, Always calling my name,

Trying to get me to look at her.

So she could laugh.

I ignored her, and it subsided.

It didnt end mind you.

Unlike me

Do you think I'm strange?

Unlike you

I am not pretending

Then yesterday she needed my help.

She needed a good mark in english.

Im not one to be mean,

So I helped her.

No questions asked, no snide remarks,

just correcting her sentence structure.

There is no time,

Time doesn't really exist.

Today she came up to me.

We just talked.

It seemed normal.

Somehow twistedly normal.

The past, the present,

And the future,

Are all side by side,

Hand in hand.

You move and change,

Yet you go nowhere:

Everything stays the same.

My closest friend here,

Would be either Magdalena

Melanie, Or Julia.

Julia is 15, the other two 14.

I play Volleyball with the

younsters. But Melanie,

She broke her finger.

You stare at me,

And ask me questions,

Makes me nervous,

This room it keeps a constant tone

While I'm on a roller coaster

I'm already an oldbie here,

We have newbies from Aussie Land.

I guess I will meet them in March.

I am 17 in 6 months and 13 days.

In 7 months, or just over,

I am no longer an Outbound,

But a Rebound, a Rotex kid.

Unlike me

Do you think I'm strange

Unlike you

I am not pretending

I have to do a Rotary Project.

About what we do in my city.

There was no information,

On the website.

I find that idiotic.

So I emailed the president of the Club.

Asking for information.

There is no time

Time doesn't really exist

I love this song.

My host sister came in,

And asked what it was.

Then said it was horrible.

And left.

I love my host sister.

She's hilarious.

Random Useless Update

2007-01-14T12:18:00.000-08:00

...Number ... -insertimpossiblyhighnumberhere-

So, I can crack walnuts with my bare hands. That makes me cool right? Its a nifty talent.
I only obtained the information that I obtain this talent when I could not seem to obtain a nutcracker.

Ha. obtain.

Other then that, Ive been complaining about this homework assignment I have to do for the past.. two weeks to basically anyone that will listen. Im actually going to finish it in the morning cause I got off my lazy arse and actually did most of the damn thing.
So, the main character who is really annoying and always blowing up unrealistically (the thing was written in the 50's, the guy mussttaa been livin in the 70's a little early. If you understand that, raise your left hand.)

Anywho, he makes some sense after he like, chills down. Here (example.):

The heaviest strongest creatures in the world seem to be the lonliest. Like the old bear, following his own breath in the dark forest. There's no warm pack, no herd to comfort him. That voice that cries out doesnt have to be a weaklings does it?

This would be after he tells his wife (when she is pregnant, he just didnt know it yet) that he wishes that something cruel would happen to her, like having a baby fully formed in her, and it dying in her.. (which happens.) And then starts screwing around on her while she is recovering at her parents house (she had been gone for three months..) with her best friend. Then she randomly walks into the house and he tells his new beau that 'her friend is here' . Well, then the new beau decides that she is going to flee to London and then when she is gone they (the husband and wife) start talkig and this is some of the guilt trip he lays on her. See, he is an annoying prick.

Nother.... exerpt? Is that right?

You've got to be really brawny to have that kind of strenghth - the strength to relax... (Pointless bit about how she is a big fake) In order to relax, you've first got to sweat your guts out...

doesnt sound very relaxing does it?

Alicia is bored... And tireeed... And realized its only 20 weeks till she is flying back home. Ouch.

2007-01-11T02:37:00.000-08:00

This is sort of aggravating. In that fun realizing your going bonkers way. They say everybody has a lookalike.

I think that everyone I know back home, yeah, all their lookalikes live here. or sound a likes.

Like, I just heard Danny in the hall. and Allyn has like.. 40 lookalikes. Its the fad, minus the lip piercing. Ive also seen Adam and Leigh and Hrenyk and other people. There is too many to remember them all. Its just like 'whoa, fuck, I know you. wait, wait a minute, no, no I dont.'

Which is odd, but it makes you go bonkers.

They said that once you start dreaming with your friends speaking german, that nothing is the same after.

I still dream with you guys speaking english. But I dont, not all the time. Or I just dont speak. That is becoming popular, me not speaking. I really think I will become a mute for a while. One of these days.

rambleeeeee

Please no more california songs.
Please no more california songs.
Please no more california songs.

I love his voice.

Please no more california songs.
And fuck New York Toooooooo.

I swear too much. Bad Alicia.
Nasty habit.
At least I dont bite my nails.

I like pasta. With sauce. Or without.
Cooked dough.

Sooo

2007-01-10T11:04:00.000-08:00

Yeah How goes?

Little bit strange to be sitting here in austria. Well, just to be sitting here. Its like, a feeling.

Did you know (you being the invisible audience that I have magically captured the interest of, though after what, two months? of not posting, I can see the floating programs and that rickety chair in the corner with the loose spring still slightly wobbling.) That I have almost died three times?

Ones I almost choked to death, once I almost burned to death and another ... I think I almost bled to death but Im not sure, I will have to check with my mother.

Ive been in the hospital quite a bit. For breaking things or swallowing things or puking too much, or being there for my mom when her ex convinced her she was crazy, or when he had broken her arm again, or pushed her down the stairs, or punched her. Or, when she decided that she was too fat and starved herself until under 100 pounds. That was his fault to. He had an idea of her that she had to fit herself in.

Dont know why Im writing this. Writing for the sake of writing I guess.

One day I started writing a story, with no plan or anything. Now that story is over 30 pages. I just kept writing. It was just after I had moved host families but was still in the same class with my host sister.

Usually with stories I get stuck and give up after 3 pages. so hopefully this one will be published, and I will be critized like that kid who wrote aragon. I havent even read the stupid book. But I knw lots of people dont like it, and dont like him for getting it published. Its not his fault his parents owned a publishing company, give the kid a break, he worked hard.

Alicia is in an unconcentrated mood.

She bought a candle at the 75 cent shop, it smells like apple, but not when its burning. It has burned quickly too.

Aaron is sending alicia songs. One of them had cats meowing. That was a little komisch.

They cook mashed potatoes with nutmeg here. muskatnuss. It tastes a little different, but its good. They did that in my last host family as well. But they made insta-potatoes. Which tasted like crap.

Cailin has gone back to Australia, along with Ellie. I have to go and see them within 5 years. That sounds sort of realistic right? 5 years to get enough money to go? But then again I have 2 years of highschool, one year of college and two years of university in that span. I dont think I will have enough money. Ill make it work eventually.

I had a nap today. I remember being young, but I dont remember taking naps. Then I remember being a bit older, and being tired, and my mom telling me to take a nap, and me informing her that I cant sleep in the daytime.

Thats seemed to change since I have got to Austria. I think its because you are genuinly tired. That isnt spelt right. genuinely. There. I think. Maybe.

I just noticed that I threw my shirt on inside out. No matter, my host brother always says that. I didnt go to school in this shirt, and my shirt was the right way out at school, and no one really cares here at home what I am wearing.

2006-11-10T00:23:00.000-08:00

I should post more often here.
But by the time I write in my written journal, post on my family blog (so they will stop bugging me) and try and think of something cool to say here, I have lost all wish to post at all.

I miss being able to write for days, about everything, about anything.

I miss being able to write poetry.
You'd think I would be able to more then ever, with all these 'experiences' and things, but my minds a total blank.

Still, sucks to be you.

'nother song

2006-09-22T01:33:00.000-07:00

Just trust my lust its like a high school crush,
sometimes akward much to offer turquoise aqua
Mad Child talkn’ nice,cherry pepsi cola ice
face her lips control my life,eyes look beautiful tonight
I’ll get through to you so fun,

One heart some of them break some of them broke mine time won’t wait,
fatal attraction loss of breath major distraction lots of stress,
we differant, you discovered me,
made me unselfish help me understand why I left the girls helpless,
scorpio evil private nature
I’ll let you inside no signs of danger

(Jakalope)
I start to press my skin to you I'm craving it
I'm feeling you
Will you relieve me fast
Feast your eyes on my display
Take control
Fall over me
Cover me in ecstasy
Let me ride to heaven
Let me feel the swelling
Oh let me concentrate
I can feel it
When I taste life and when
I breathe
Crawling inside of me baby
Oh oh oh

(Mad Child)
I said run its no fun to be my only one cause,
I’m mean when I drink im like a loaded gun,
you don’t want me to buy you diamond and pony,
make me stay at home make you feel like you own me,
don’t pat my back that’s phony im not
Mr. Nice Guy truth hurts cuts like a knife right,
runnin for your life that’s my final announcement or you can hang around and I can pay for counclin

Control freak speak in dialect twist and contort bend back that's perfect,
hold on slow song pump the speaker box, body language slang and
I could read your thoughts, face of an angel don’t make this painful,
beautiful exchange the night is graceful, wait til the sun come up then repeat it,
Prev make you curious I know you can feel it

etc.

2006-09-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

Guess I better post in this to keep my archives in order and whatnot.
I have an austrian blog for family and whatnot, this one will still remain for things not suitable for widespread family and friend knowledge.

I have this song (to be posted) stuck in my head, so much so that I grabbed my ipod, took the dog and went for a walk in the fields so I could belt it out without anyone hearing me. I woulda dunnit in the house, but Benedikt was watching television.

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life

I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see that this world is a beautiful accident, turbulent succulent opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Is it enough?Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.oh
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

I like it, I like it, I like it.
Really I do.

Aaaaaarrrroooonnn. I need two songs from you. As I am desperately craving to listen to them.
One of them is called Believe, I think, and the other is that Susie Q, or Stacie or whatnot.

But, I cant get them from you until you are online. Go online.

Great, Now I'm sad.

2006-08-08T23:23:00.000-07:00

So, all was going good today.
Saw my close friends, said goodbye.
Hung out at the mall, saw Norm.

Oh, yeah, Norm: Awesome guy. Friend. Man guy, guy, man, yeah... (REFERENCE ALERT)

Anywho, then I get home, we check messages (phone..)
And I have two messages from Austria.
TWO.
One from my host sister I believe, and one from my mom.
So, that made me all happy.
So I email her, cause she needed information.
Her being the mum.

And my mom's like "hey lets call"
Well, she said she was going to have a bath first.
So I'm all like, k.
ANYWHO.
I get into a pretty good conversation with friends, that I'm going to miss terribly.
Then the phone number doesnt' work, so she takes over the computer for almost an hour looking up ways (with no success) on how to call there.
When she could of just used the operator.
But apparently I wasn't allowed to.

So, then I FINALLY get back online, and everyone's gone.
And one of the conversations was one of those deep sorta ones.

So now I'm sad.

Other then that, I leave tomorrow night for Vancouver.
Then Friday I'm on the plane(s).

I got my hair did too.
Don't think I've mentioned that here.
It's red/brown with blonde highlights.
Ya, I know, I went blonde.
Please don't hit me too much.

Today, I got sat on.
By a Logan.
Fucking Hoser.
Sheesh he makes me uncomfortable.

I also had a bum come up to me and mumble at me for a good 45 minutes.
I just sorta nodded my head, and tried to understand him.
I understood the "Do you have a smoke" part, but the rest was...
a little over a murmur.

Now I just want to crawl into a corner with a big thick blanket and sorta go numb.

Sheesh I hate these feelings.

Girl, put your records on

2006-07-19T22:55:00.000-07:00

Tell me your favourite song...etc.

Good song.

Anywho, So, I guess I haven't really updated in a while.

I fly to Klagenfurt Austria. I live in Villach, Austria.

I have a "boyfriend". His name is Trevor.

So, in thinking about this, I realize I've only ever dated minorities.
Which isn't a bad thing at all.

See, it breaks down like this:

First "boyfriend" - Korean
Second " " - Black (African american if you want to be "politically correct" (What a load of bull))
Third - Native (Native american, politically correctness...)

Oi, the third one be Trevor.

So yeah, now that's a good enough update right?

My birthday is on the 30th. Of this month.

Logans was today. His mother thought it awfully considerate that I remembered.
I didn't know that most people forgot things related to friends.
Then again, we're on the fritz. Though she doesn't know that.
That I know of.

It's impossible to hate Doug French. Though, occasionally you can hate Keegan. Which, are one in the same.

I haven't been writing lately. Except pages of questions to ask rotary people and contact information.

My mom's finally realizing that I'm leaving, and it's for a whole year, and she can't sleep properly.

I'm dead tired too, and as well, can't sleep.

I still miss talking to Aaron.

Paperage

2006-07-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Sooo.

I've been in the paper 4 times since last year.

That's more then some people are in it in a lifetime.

Go me.

But not really. Well, yeah, go me.

I still have more paperwork for Austria to go, bu-ut, they just keep finding more and it's getting really frustrating because they keep changing their minds about which ones I need to do and whatnot. Also, I have to send it all to a translator and get it notarized but I can't because apparently the organization (thomas Cook Travel) Screwed up AGAIN.

Gr.

p.s. I am supposed to leave August 11th for Klagenfurt, Austria.

+)

2006-06-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

There's a beauty in the breakdown
A method to the madness
Watch as she puts on her wedding gown
Did you see her sadness?

A future locked in happiness
What more could she want
But this future is caged, and lacks finesse
She's nothing more then a beauty to flaunt.

Her hero took of his mask,
Became the devil of her dreams
Showed his self at last
Too late in the silence she screams.

Soo:
-Work was busy today.
-My knee hurts like whoa mans.
-Got a raise at work, start full time on tuesday sweet deal eh?
-Have family over till sunday.
-Did I mention my knee hurts?
-Got some Frou Frou stuck in my head.
-I'm ok with that.
-My mp3 player's busted.
-Not ok with that.
-I'm missing people like crazy
-And other's not so much.
-I'll be in the paper Saturday.
-I'm buying new shoes tomorrow.
-Still need to buy a camera.
-Apparently, I'm impressing everyone around me lately.
-Someone at work asked me what planet I was from today.
-Guess it's evident I don't really belong here.

Oh, right, this still exists.

2006-06-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

So, lately I've been kinda quasi-busy.
But not really.
(Psst. Aaron, Korey, Cody, Linds, I miss actually talking to you.)

Past random coupla days:

Tuesday: Went to the movies with Cass and Vanessa.
They = drunk/stoned.
Entertainment value = ***** (Five stars.)
Then: Hung out with Trevor, Cass, Vanessa, Cat, Desiree, Mike, Jake 1, Jake 2, Bev, And (eww.) April.
Then: Trevor asked me to kiss him. Pfft, no, I'm fine thanks. (Though, the boy is Fine.)
Bu-ut, fine or not, he was stoned. Totally ripped.
To the point where he didn't remember what happened tuesday when we talked wednesday.

Yeah, then I worked around home wednesday.
Then, Thursday I worked at my job.
Then Cass came over.
We were up almost all night (She was like, sick.)
Then we woke up at 6:15 today, because we had to open the store with my mom.
Then we rode the busses and walked in the malls all day.
Then we went to the beach.
Laughed at people who think they can play soccer.
Yeah.....

Oh, and a little adorable cat has been following me and Cass around for two days while we're at the beach and the school, and today it attacked a dog out of the blue.

Just walked up to it and it's owner and jumped at its' face.
0.o Poor puppy.

Other then that, Monday, a reporter is coming to my house and doing a full article about me for the paper.

And last wednesday night I had to go to the legion to pic up a 1500 dollar bursary they gave me.

Oh, and I'm having a mini family reunion on the thirtieth of this month.

'Nuff of an update?

Something I wrote oh so long ago.

2006-06-03T20:09:00.000-07:00

I'm one of the tallest people in my "group" of friends. Except for the boys, almost all the boys are taller.
I'm messed up in that whole "relationship" thing. I just am.
I'm going to be an exchange student next school year, Austria folks.
I'm random, because I like being so. I choose songs by using numbers parrallel to the first letter in the name listed. Then make friends randomly choose when I don't know what to listen to.

Accents are ultimately the coolest thing on the earth. effin' orgasmic. I assure you, it's a girl thing. But not all accents mind you. Just british, spanish, quebecquois, and .. austrailian.
Dying my hair is becoming a habit. But I think I've settled on a colour. I like it.
I'm a klutz, and clumsy, or whatever else fits into that category.I fall up stairs, scrape my knees on invisible objects, find random scars, and slam fingers into doors repeatedly. Absent minded about limbs.
My mind moves too fast for my functions. I'm not able to type all I want to type fast enough, which makes me forget half of it.
If my mind gets bored, it starts day dreaming, whether I want it to or not.
I've had my webcam for christmas and just found out how to take pictures today.
I talk to my cats, and they talk back.
I ask forgiveness from walls and other such non living things when I run into them. Or I tell them off.
I'm really into photography, and architecture, and medicine, and psychology.
I figure if I study psychology long enough, I'll have no problem spelling all words with "psychsdhjjkdfh" in them. Because I have serious problems.
Apparently, I'm caramilk, and I have that whole "Quit with the bullshit" attitude. Go me.
I chicken out of things I shouldn't do that don't cause harm, and don't back down from things I should.
I'm contemplating becoming mute.
Which means I'd have to quit both choir and Jazz choir, but what's a few credits?
I'd be all like that kid a couple years back that just corresponded with emails, even to his parents.
I've been compared to Superman, and Aaron is unknowingly Spiderman. I informed him.
I like Aarons collar, a lot, it owns mine. But hey, I'll get it from him one day.
And apparently I have no friends that live close to me, or at least, no friends that feel like being friends at the current moment.
Anywho, I don't know what else to say other then... Update soon?

Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my...

2006-06-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

There was a large amount of amazingly adorable guys at my work today.
They just kept appearing.
It was like ... "OH WOW" x3.
Cause three of them stood out.

The Boyz (Heck yes):

Le Quebecquois:
-Around... late 20's?
-French accent. Well, quebecquois accent. Even better, trust me.
-Light brown hair, energetic blue eyes.
-One of those smiles that just forces you to smile.
-Hooooooootttttttttt
-And, amazingly intelligent!

Car tinker-er:
-Around... early 20's?
-No accent.
-Dark brown hair, dark eyes.
-Little bit rough looking
-Nice smile
-Smart
-Totally adorable.

Max:
-Oh wow oh wow oh wow.
-He's 19
-And a twin.
-Smart, shy-ish
-Works for his mom
-Middle brown ish hair.
-Beautiful eyes.
-Oh wow oh wow oh wow.

So yeah, Now, if Marshall had come in, I would of like... died of over exposure of adorable boys.

It goes like this, on a list of the four, excluding everyone else in the world.

Marshall
Max
Le Quebecquois
Car tinker-er

Oh wow oh wow oh wow.

Aww damn, now I wanna see marshall again.

Bu-ut, I talked to all three boys that came in today, cause I had to, and Oooh it was sooo fun.

Le quebecquois smiled at me and like, winked, and I almost melted.
Max has the most shy-est smile. Oh wow oh wow oh wow.
Yeah, so, ignoring the fact that they're all just a *bit* too old for me, I'm still allowed to melt.
So there.

Oh wow oh wow oh wow. <3

2006-06-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Such a lonely day

And it’s mine

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Should be banned

It’s a day that I can't stand

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

Shouldn’t exist

It's a day that I’ll never miss

Such a lonely day

And it’s mine

The most loneliest day of my life

And if you go,I wanna go with you

And if you die,I wanna die with you

Take your hand and walk away

The most loneliest day of my life

Such a lonely day

And it’s mine

It’s a day that I’m glad I survived

It is such a crappy day today. Well, it is and it isn't. The prominent memories of today are bad. But hey, it's raining (<33).

Doppleganger

2006-05-24T19:50:00.001-07:00

You know what. Aaron has a doppleganger. I didn't say it. Bu-ut, I knew it.
Huzzah, his name is Ty.
But they're very different in some ways.
Yay for differences.

Anyways, today has been a shitty day.
Alicia is sore all over. And sick feeling, and wants to sleep but is not tired.
Damn.

Double Argh With Knobs - The next installment

2006-05-16T20:30:00.000-07:00

HO SNAP NO YOU DIDN'T. DON'T YOU DARE READ THIS TILL YOU'VE READ ALL THE OTHER ONES BIZNATCHES. ALL THE OTHER ONES BEFORE THAT IS. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE MY CAPS LOCK?

Anyways.... On with the show mayhaps?

Emma: oh my! Now let me do my work....

Kara: So you think you are pretty deep in a hole eh? Well let me tell you something, so far you are only at the level of sand box shovel.

Alicia: Oh, you wait. To continue...
So I push him back, like, not hard or anything, but still enough to get him off of me, still wondering what the hell is going on. So then I get off of the driftwood and walk along the beach to this little island thing (it's an island when the tide goes up) so I go and sit on a rock there, and he sits beside me, and we're facing the ocean but we were on the back side ish of the island so no one on the mainland could see us and we were sitting there talking and I was poking his knee, cause that's what I do, poke people. So then he puts his arm around me and like, pulls me closer to his chest, and I'm like "Whatever" in my head, cause whatever. And his chin is resting on my head, which was odd. So then I stand up cause I'm uncomfortable (not laying on him, he's comfy, but uncomfortable about the situation) and bored. anyways, so I stand up, and I'm facing him and he pulled me on top of him. Soz, I like grabbed the rock so I wouldn't fall on him, but he pulled me anyways.

Kay breaktime again.

Emma: Ho shit. I'm speechless. (a/n that's a hard accomplishment to accomplish, leaving her speechless.)

Kara: Alright you're up to a large garden shovel. Hmmm, maybe you should of hit him with one?!

Alicia: So then I'm all "nooo" all whiny like, and he's like "whaaatt" and I'm like "What are you? Stunned?" in my head, but I didn't say it outloud cause I was still I guess in shock of what the hell he was trying to accomplish. So I stand up again and we were talking about biting and how I bit korey and one day and how it made korey all "hot n' bothered" so we were talking about that, and I was like "See, you bite there" and pointed to a spot on his shoulder cause he had a sweater on. and he like, pulled his sweater so the skin was exposed and he's all "here, bite me" and I'm all "uh... uh... can't. It's supposed to be a suprise, you know...Stealth!" so then he stands up, and I go to back up, and almost fall off the edge (woulda fell into rocks, then water) so he like pulls me close and nuzzles into my neck. (uuuueeerrrr)

Sidenote: He found out that if he pokes my side, I arch my back (to like, try to escape said poke) so he would poke me so I would arch into him and yeah, I'd arch, he'd slip his arms around my lower back and pull me closer.

'Nother break for commenting again.

Emma: *madface* Oh my. Speechless once more. How's the sandbox, Kara?

Kara: Ok, you have reached showel level! congrats! Hehehe your life sucks you man-whore magnet! Hehehehe!
"Oh, I am sorry, my friends told me to use cheap pickup lines on you (seductive look) are they working?" Heheheh! "If I was a space ship I'd land on your planet!"

There, the next installment.

Do It The Metric Way

2006-05-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

Not as in the Metric system, but as in Metric, the band.
as in I'm going to be posting random pieces of their lyrics,
from various songs,
The ones that mean something to me, that I like
as in the ones with a deeper hidden meaning
because everything has a deeper hidden meaning,
Or at least it does with me.
I speculate too much.
Cody says I overanalyze. I say shut up.

:

Nobody knows which street to take
He took the easy way
What was the easy way?

I'm sick, you're tired, let's dance

Cold as numbers but let's dance

As though it were easy for you to lead me

I could be passive gracefully

Dizzy when we talk so fast

Fields of numbers streaming past

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,

Where is the love?

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,

Who here is in line for a raise?

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,

Where is the love?

Tonight your ghost will ask my ghost,

Who put these bodies between us?

(P.S. These are not from the same song, or go together, or anything like that.)

We used to leave the blue lights on and there was a beat

Ever since you have been gone it's all caffeine-free

Faux punk fatigues

Said it all before

They try to kick it, their feet fall asleep

Get no harm done no

None of them want to fight me

Combat baby come back baby

Fight off the lethargy

Don't go quietly

Combat baby

Said you would never give up easy

Combat baby come back

How I miss your ranting

Do you miss my all time lows

Need less, use less

We're asking for too much I guess

Cause all we get is...

Dead disco

Dead funk

Dead rock and roll

I saw your face looked down tonight

I only hope that you're alright

I know you think its always you

Need some time alone, need some time alone

After tonight, another day

A chance to feel a different way

The sun is slowly changing sides

Still, sorrow in your eyes

Sorrow in your eyes

The obvious door opens nothing

Gave them our reactions, our explosions, all that was ours

For graphs of passion and charts of stars

Only know what I'm told

Fast asleep daydreaming

Start to push, break your own glass ceiling

Can't count, can't catch the pieces falling

How am I gonna know you're letting me down

You're gonna lose your arms, amputate plasticine

There's no knight in silver armor shining

How will you wear your leisure

Zipper back and front

On the fence together

Weekends in leather

That's entertainment

When the cameras roll

Can you face the pavement

For a happy dog and pony show

Everybody loves you baby

Of course they do

Leave the basement life

And not the landlord's wife.

Though we both see it coming

We don't run.

Let the silence settle in our bones.

You leave your eyes there for me to memorize.

I can see you happy in the shadows I despise.

Vertabrae by vertebrae

Roll your way out of a coma

Look up, the nurse is smiling

What luck, the nurse is me

Your old body is dead

Your body's dead, you're a word instead

In my sleep I repeat it

It's a good story

Her mouth is full of questions

Take your own meanings out of this, leave mine alone.

Double Argh With Knobs. II

2006-05-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

READ THIS ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE READ DOUBLE ARGH WITH KNOBS ONE.
OR YOU'LL BE ALL CONFUSED
AND BE ALL "WELL FUCK THAT"
KAY THANKS.

Cont'd.

Emma: I can be graceful. 7.5

Kara: Well I am not a prostitute, geisha slut or whore and I am rated sexy and a half.

Alicia: I think not, slut.

Emma: If Kara's sexy and a half, I'm totally sexy plus three-quarters.

April 25/ 2006.

Alicia: we should write in romaji.

Emma: Lame.

Kara: Silly, Silly, Silly!

Alicia: It'd be a major time waster.

MAY 8th 2006! (Aaawww fuck here we go.)

Alicia: Alright, so, a story for y'all.

Kay, so last week, Logan's all "Hey, I shottie you for next sunday" and I'm all like " uh, sure" so he comes over yesterday and we go to the beach and we're like walking around the beach, and we sit down and watch this little kid (around 2 maybe?) fall into the ocean. Poor little wet kid. anyways we walk to another part of the beach, and he keeps hugging me and I'm all "yeah, whatever, he's just being more affectionate then usual" in my head (this is when lights should of gone off, the red ones) so anyways, we go down this path, where it's a cliff on either side, and a path about three feet wide in the middle, leading to a 6 foot wide path that leads to an island that's only and island when it's high tide (the path gets covered) so, we sit on this piece of driftwood, about 3-4 feet high and he puts his arm around me, which I squirmed out of. (Squirming out of means I took it with my hand, took it off of me, and placed it where it should of gone, which is on the log. but that didn't work, cause it turned into us holding hands, which I slid out of.) so then he stands up and we're talking, and I stand up and go "hey, look, I'm taller then you" because the rocks made me taller, so he softly like, pushed me back into sitting on the piece of driftwood. Then I noticed something in his hair, so I stood up to take it out, and he like, sat me down again, thinking I was going to talk about our height again, but I wasn't. So frustrated that I wouldn't be able to stand any time soon, and not caring enough to like, push him out of the way, and with the piece of driftwood in his hair (I had been throwing things at him earlier) I pulled him closer, took it out, and went to push him back into a far enough distance that I was comfortable with. That didn't happen. He just sorta stayed.

Double Argh With Knobs.

2006-05-08T16:01:00.000-07:00

Cody, why the fuck couldn't you have saved me?

Eh, all's fair in the manwhore business I guess.

Emma and Alicia and Corey and Brooke and Aly and Kara all agree that Alicia is screwed.

This happened to Aly to, but apparently (says her) happened to me like, 10 times worse.
And Cass, can't stop laughing.

So, for your further enjoyment at my expense ... The Book, III.
Yeah, we started (I started) another one. Yay for me.
This is going to go slow, till I get to the topic I was rambling on about up more.

~~
Alicia: The third book! Really wish I'd saved the other two, and coulda published them and made a lot of money. Rule, to refresh, is must write in pen.

Emma: Definately. The book must be kept private!!!

Kara: Ok! I get it! I got it! Good!

Alicia: What, you planning on spilling something this year Emma?

Emma: No, but you might spill something for me. -_-

Kara: Alicia is planning to stab me with a dull pencil crayon! Help me!

Alicia: I said crayon! not pencil crayon. What am I spilling about you em? other then your undying love for Maltee?

Emma: If you're going to say that, you could at least spell his name right. M-U-L-T-E. There. Wait, I'm wrong. T_T

Kara: Well then... now that we have gotten that out of the way, what else is new?

Alicia: It's Malte, he said so. I like his writing.

Emma: Me too. Very...crisp. Foreign kids always write so neatly.

Kara: I think you guys need to get a life. ( I know... I know that does not mean much coming from me.)

Alicia: Rouven didn't have neat writing. He was from germany. But yeah, crisp, and bold and bare and sparse, very, .... distinctive writing.

Emma: Yep. Anyways, I think Kara's right Alicia we need to get a life. I mean for god's sake, we're talking about the way some guy writes!

Kara: Thank you voice of reason!

Alicia: Life? Not plural? So we're going to share it? I SHOTTIE IT ON THE WEEKENDS.

Emma: Lolz, Alicia, you're funny. No, we need to each get a life.

Kara: I hear that there is a 2 for 1 deal at the dollar store! We can all get a life and new personalities! Only $1.99!

Alicia: Kay, you get me one I like, and I'll blame it on you when my friends are all "Wtf happened?"

Emma: I'll just be like "wut"

Kara: Don't be ridiculous! I got my personality from the Dollar Store. And look at me! I'm great!

Alicia: LAME -_-

Emma: Agreed ;-_-

Kara: Hey! Shut up! I am cool .... ish.

Alicia: You just keep telling yourself that luv.

Emma: My mommy says I'm special T_T

Kara: Don't call me luv! or any other stupid pet names you can think of. you are just jealous of my coolness! =P

Alicia: My mommy says you're special too Em. And I'll call you whatever I like puddin' head. (a/n pudding head is an insult.)

Emma: Hey! That's my name for Kara!

Kara: Why do I have all these pet names?! (or insults whichever you prefer)

Alicia: It was an unsult. and fine, I'll call her puddin' brain, happy now?

Emma: Kay fine.

Kara: I hate you all!

Alicia: Aww but we love you.

Emma: Don't hate us Kara!

Kara: well I guess I don't hate you, just strongly dislike.

Alicia: Alright, fine. I had sushi for lunch <3 But I am not becoming a japanese prostitute Kara!

Emma: I think you should Alicia, you'd be good at it.

Kara:What about you emma? aren't you down with that?

Alicia: How would I be good at being graceful and talented? you expect so much!

Emma: A prostitute Alicia, not a geisha. Down with what kara?

Kara: Down with your mother? maybe, I don't know. So emma is a geisha? well if emma was a geisha I'd rate her a 7.

Alicia: Nah, she's a klutz. 6.5 NO PROSTITUTION FOR ALICIA

2006-05-04T19:08:00.000-07:00

So, I found something I wrote about highschool.

It's really crappy, but it made me laugh.
Score one for me.

I think it was some school assignment, asking us to define highschool.
Anywho, it was all,

"Highschool is a world all in it's own. It doesn't matter what classes you're taking, what you want to grow up to be, who you admire, or what any of your goals are. Your grades don't define you in the least, unless you're really smart or whatever, then you're looked down on. The only thing that really matters in highschool is who you know, what you know, and who you're dating. The most important person in highschool is the person that knows everything, that person that you tell everything to, because they're trusted. The person who knows the most is also the one most frequently surrounded by people begging to be told what's going on. The one's hoping to crack the vault of secrets, and find something they can use to their advantage. Of course though, the person who knows the most, never tells what they know."

Dun dun dunnnnnnn.... In a world where you can't hug friends of the opposite sex without dirty looks and degrading glares, the teenagers run the show.

Dun Dun Dunnnnnn...

Fo' sheezy.

2006-04-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

I need to talk to someone.
Right now.
And it really really sucks.

I feel... betrayed, jealous ... hurt.

I don't like it at all and I don't know how to deal with it. The thing is, I can't help but notice that it's my fault I feel this way, and if for one moment I hadn't been myself, this wouldn't of happened. I wouldn't of given them the glimpse into my life, or the opportunity to take it and twist it into theirs. Makes it hard to believe that they have no idea that they're doing this do me doesn't it.

And of course I can't talk to anybody about it without being judged or whatnot. Which feels kinda crappy, knowing that everyone's going to judge you about your view of what's happening right now. The only person that I'd possibly talk to because they already know a bit of the situation, a very crucial part, hasn't been around lately.

Of course I'd love to be blunt about it, but I don't want to hurt anybodies feelings, because no one has done anything wrong. That's the kicker, there's no good reason to feel so isolated, alone and forgotten, which makes me wonder why I do so strongly.

I miss you

but you is not you anymore

it's the old me.

the one that didn't know you

or care who you were.

Regretting regretting you.

Questions with unspoken answers

Acceptance before denial

Surrender before the fight

Silent objection,

Silent confrontation,

Silent result.

Ever get the urge to do something, and it has to be done that moment, because if you don't, even though it probably won't, if feels like your life won't be the same? something will change and/or dissapear? And if in turn you fight the urge, and don't it feels as though you've lost completely? It's like an ongoing battle with yourself, and all you can find to back you up is the white flag.

2006-04-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

Danny "Hey Alicia"
Alicia "Hey Danny"
-Danny hugs Alicia-
Danny "You're the coolest"
Alicia "Uh... thanks."
-walks off to class-

Danny is like, mentally challenged or somewhat. Everyone seems to know him, and he seems to know everyone. He's like, REALLY tall. Which, coming from me, says something I assume.

That was inbetween first and second block.

Then at lunch:

-Listening to the "variety talent show" sitting in the auditorium.
-First band sucks.
-Then comes monkey, trevor and patrick.
-They were alright.
-Show's over
-Alicia goes out in hall, kara walks up to her, they start talking.
-School Mascot is wandering around (big cat suit thing.)
-Randomly hugs Renna, and tousles her hair (Renna is anti-touch)
-Keep in mind that Alicia knows whos in the mascot costume (That'd be Kyle.)
-Mascot walks towards Alicia and Kara, seemingly not paying attention to them.
-But you wouldn't know, cause their face is hidden.
-Suddenly, Alicia and Kara are all, getting hugged (at the same time, squashing us) by team mascot. Alicia laughs and walks away when released.

First block (Oh noes, she's got tha' powa' to go back in time!)
-Tinnion talks forever, as usual (drama class yo)
-Gets us all sitting in the "audience" area.
-Has four people standing on stage (Team leaders, to pick their teams)
-Alicia raises her hand, and says "Isn't there supposed to be 5 groups?"
-Tinnion thanks Alicia for catching that, makes her a captain too.
-Alicia inwardly groans.
-Picks team (Amanda, Shannon, Hugh)
-They become judges for the theatre sports games

To Explain:

Theatre sports games
- Random games like "advance" where one person comes up with a ridiculous problem and the next person on has to solve it in an equally ridiculous manner.
-Today we played one called "Phobia's and Obsessions"
-We were given a phobia or an obsession, and a setting.
-Other members of the team had to try and solve the problems that the phobia's/obsessions created.

Soz, back to the class:
-Sasja has to have a phobia of styrofoam cups, and she's at a birthday party
-they play spin the bottle
-if the bottle stops spinning on you, you gotta be covered in paper cups
-o' course it stops on sasja (imaginary bottle)
-she flips out in her overly-dramatic-high-pitched-usual-squealing way. (ugh.)
-Rich has to be obsessed with apples.
-in a grocery store.
-soz he's all.... drooling over apples
-and then he see's little ash (hrenyk) and she's wearing a red shirt
-he's all "She...she looks like an apple"
-and starts biting the air, with his friend holding him back.
-then he comes up to her, and starts sniffing and stroking her
-lifts her arm up, and goes to bite it. then she calls the "manager".

And yeah.

Soz...

2006-04-04T19:21:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last night. Just couldn't post it.

Don't try to read me.

You'll just get shot down.
In the sense that I'll completely close down, and you won't learn anything about me.
Ever.
Which seems to be a pretty good threat. Seeing as it stopped you on the spot.

But just to clarify.
You barely know me.
And to start trying to read me, and tell me what I'm doing, or feeling, when you're completely wrong, is just going to aggravate me.
That aggravation is going to cause me to completely close up. And no one would be very happy with you then.

Only three people are allowed to read me. And sadly enough, they're all communications via interwebs.

But those who don't know me know me the best. Which is switching from a physical to an emotional, psychological level.

Those three people would be (No drumroll needed. They make enough noise):

Cody, (Aka Cam Whore) because he knows more then I'd ever like to share again. Whether he remembers it or not is a different story. He doesn't have to try very hard to read me. Because he was always there. Which is what I needed. A constant. I guess he must of known that. He's one of the first ones to confront my overanalyzing things. He's one of the first ones to confront me on a lot of things. There isn't really much more I can say. With Cody, it's really kind of simple. You are either there, or you aren't. If you are thinking he's just one big like... thing to talk to, and he always listens, and never has to talk himself, then I've given the wrong impression. You have to give before you deserve to take. I can't define him very well. He's just... himself. <3

Shadow (Call him what you will, shadow has just stuck)He's getting better at reading me. Or at least telling me that he's reading me. But he just... observes really, and he doesn't pry, or ask too many questions. Which I like. Though I have very little faith in his promises. Mostly because he can't control everything. But it works out well in the end. He always lets me vent at him. He's the only one I let call me names. Ones which won't be printed on here in fear of mass manufacturing. I can deal with him calling me them, I can't deal with anyone else calling me them. Which is part of his charm I guess. Getting me to open up so easily. Or, he just knows the right buttons to push. Though he blames the opening up thing on the "you're not really real" illusion that the internet gives us. Which I believe I said to him one day, but I'm different. So I'm going to tell him to stop using that against me. The nerdy little tekkie that he is. <3

Then, there's Aaron.

Aaron (Aka Ralph Aka Meteor Aka S.B. (had to put that in there, sorry)Aka ... photography whiz?) And you thought you didn't have any nicknames. Well, I'm not sure if he's ever read me before. At least, if he has, he hasn't told me. Oddly enough, I'm sorta ok with that. Only sorta because I hate not knowing what's going on. But that really has nothing to do with Aaron now does it? Yes, actually, sometimes it does. See, Ralph is really odd, which I love, but it sometimes confuses me more then I like to admit. He's like... normal, until you're comfortable with his modified version of normal, then he goes and does something that totally throws you for a loop. Then you start from square one again, starting to think you understand him, till he goes and does it again. This happens more frequently around 4-5 am. But it happens in not so odd hours too. Like when I have to leave. It's just more noticable at 4-5 am. (Mainly 'cause my brain fully functions, and I still think in "over analyzation mode" I just can't spell, whereas he goes.. somewhat disoriented, unfocused, and all of that) Aaron's starting to sense things though. Which, I'm not totally comfortable with, but I'm not going to stop him. Or lie to him. Because there's no point, and I've nothing to hide.

It's weird, but they have their different... "styles"

Cody confronts.
Shadow treads softly and questions (With some bluntness. When pestered for it.)
And Aaron just sort of... exists. Which helps, whether he knows it or not.

2006-04-03T20:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not normally a jealous person.
Really, I'm not.
I can't stand people that are jealous normally.
Which brings me to my dilemma.
(I know, so quickly it shows up. Not like me at all)
I can't stand myself.
For I am jealous.

Now let me explain without explaining.
Because it's what I do.
Vagueness is key in avoiding confrontation.
(Yes, I know I avoid confrontation. But only when I'm the one being confronted. Because I don't like it. Though sometimes I wish people would confront me more. Force me to deal with things. Or be more open or whatever. Yeah, I know, you just can't win with me)

Kay, so my explaining.
(I'm going to be talking, er, writing at the person I am .. jealous of.It's what I do. Talk to you without talking to you.)
I'm jealous of your ease, comfortability with people.
How easily you slide into something that took me weeks.
It took you less then a day.
I'm jealous of how you unconciously made me feel threatened,
made my position feel threatened.
I'm jealous of how quickly you became what I thought I was.

I'm jealous of the fact that you're better then me at what I'm good at.

Vent he says.

2006-03-31T21:19:00.000-08:00

So, I vent. Cody, this is your fault.

I hate you (not cody), but just for the moment.
But said moment has been at least a week.
It's not because you've done anything.
Which makes me seem more twisted then I really am.
So maybe I'm substituting hate for something else.
Like, miss, am annoyed at, or irritated with.
Those seem to work well. Though hate has more of an impact.

You're so fake it's astounding (not the first person, I'm venting).
You can see the lie ooze off around you.
It's sickening. You're sickening.

(Kay so every double space is a different person.)

I don't know why you looked at me either.
That makes two of us.
Confusion is a great thing right.
Yeah, no.
So stop it.

You, need to be online more. Because I said so.
And that should be a good enough reason.
Plus, you know, you make me laugh, a lot.
Not always with you, but you don't seem to mind.
So maybe it's always with you.

You've been on my mind lately. I don't like it.
Not negatively on my mind, or supremely positively.
Just like a presence. In the back of my mind,
That surfaces every once in a while. So not fair.
Not because I like you more then a friend or anything.
It's just like... "...-randomperson-" in my mind, which
makes me go all "..wtf?!" again, in my mind.

You're new, but not bad new. Quite different.
And out there. And odd. And crazy. But I love it.
Though I know there's something deeper that you're hiding.
What are you afraid to show?

Just One Of Those Nights...

2006-03-25T20:04:00.000-08:00

So last night was just one of those nights. You know the ones, where everything seems not worth being done. Where just existing seems like a hard job. Existing in reality that is. It's suprisingly easy to exist without knowing which realm of your mind you are in... you know, perferred realities, the escapes from actual life. The kind of like where you don't have the problems you have today, however teenaged they seem to the rest of the "grown-up" world.

I don't want to grow up. Anymore then I already am, I assume, would be potentially catastrophic on my psyche. Maybe they should film it, seeing as the responsibilities I'm taking on in the next two years are astounding, overwhelming, and completely foreign to me. It'd make for a potentially interesting tale. But the struggle wouldn't, and won't be physical, but mental. It's always mental...

But back to last night. I was sitting there, well, laying would be a better term, seeing as I was on my bed. Balancing a mechanical pencil on my forehead, and then the bridge of my nose, thinking of people I was told to forget. Which is actually a suprisingly numerous and complex amount of people. Which, sort of brings me back to my first point. People try to forget, or escape, to avoid the pain of dealing with it, the assumed pain may I add, that they end up suffering more from it. And in the end, didn't avoid anything, just created more to try and avoid. The self realization.

Some people sit there wishing, hoping, or wondering if there is something more out there, something deeper, something more meaningful then what they have at that moment. And it brings the thought, why does one deserve something more? If said thing exists, is it really based on good deeds and luck? Or is life truly what you make of it?

Would you stop at no cost for true happyness? Or does others happyness come before yours? Even people you barely know? Is anyone truly satisfied with what they have? Or is the grass always greener on the other side?

Heck Yes

2006-03-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

Emo boys are cute until they talk

Nickelback is like, a secret addiction of mine.

I painted my nails. I hate

having my nails painted, but it's the first

thing I do when I'm bored.

Nick Aegis is boring.

Spencer must pay, with his life.

Mr. Hot Emo Student Teacher is fun

to swoon at. But Ty is the best to swoon at.

*Must swoon at thought of Ty for all eternity*

Damn those foreign boys are fine.

(Ty= not foreign. Duh.)

Capp teacher is already

doing that "I'ma gunna

push alicia cause I know she

can take it" thingy.

I am going shopping with Lachance.

(Michy) Soon. It's a date. ;D

My math teacher is awesome

making things just mysteriously

disappear.

I got poked/prodded/nuzzled/groped/flicked

tooo much today. Nasty gremlins friends are.

(I swear I'm going to wake up tomorrow with bruises

all on my sides... )

That was the summarized version of today, time to catch up?

Friday-

School (Woot <3)>

Then Tinnion's all like "Find a reason to exit the stage; Rich I must apologize to you"

And I was all "What the hell? How rude of you to make it seem like you're implying that you have to apologize for our acting" in my head. Cause she's never done that to me before.

Turns out the bell was about to ring is all, but still!

So, then school out (No, that wasn't my only class, I just didn't like the other ones) and I get ready to go volunteering. So... blah blah blah happens and we get to Coal Tyee. soz, the principal goes up to us "mentors" and tells us most of our buddies are at the 5-7 (grades) dance. So we go find them, and we're like "...Kay, wtf do we do?" So then music comes on (cause they all sit on benches everytime a song ends cause it's a rule... wtf?) And I'm all like "fuck this, I hate this song, but I'm not just gunna sit here" So I made Chloe and Chantelle and Joyce (<3)>

( Wall o' Text on the notepad say what?)

So, then, I get bored of dancing the grade 7 shuffle (Stand there, sway from side to side... Damn rights you're cool) So we (Joyce, Chantelle and I) start swing dancing to like, really depressing music (Seriously, made Joyce's "buddy" cry. ) And then I got bored of their only dancing for half a song because they are afraid of their image in front of a bunch of people they don't know. So, I went up to some random grade 6-7 girl and asked her to dance. She danced with me.

So that right there, set the ball rolling, and I started dancing with the no-confidence-having kids.

Little did I know Kyle was doing the same thing. I seriously don't know why no one likes him. 'Cept leigh, but that's a whole nother story.

So after the dance, Kyle comes up to me, and he's all "I saw you dancing with the kids" and I'm all "Yeah.. so?" and he's like "Cool, I was too" .

So, then saturday I'm all barely awake at work, but that's ok, I had sugar. (Not coffee, butter caramel smoothie <333)>

So, after work, I go to my step sisters house. Pick up the twins and Wesley (twins : 18 days old, Wesley: 2 years) for the night.

So we took care of them all night, cause new borns don't sleep at times to fit my schedule.

Then Sunday (Ho mans, 3 days sp far) I wake up at 8 or so, (Couldn't get back to sleep :\) have a shower, get changed and then go and get Nicole and Katie. (With time wasting before then) for the choir concert in parksville.

So we drive (Well, stepdad drove; Katie and I rocked out, Nicole just smiled) to parksville and we're like, the first ones there 'cept for Monkey, whose mom works there, so he don't count.

Yadda Yadda Yadda.

More people come, prima youth choir (<33)>

music director splits up all the girls (alto's and soprano's) and makes us practice "Santo" <= Not the actual name of the song.

After that, he asks all the guys to go onstage.

Alicia starts laughing.

Extremely hot choir boy asks if she's laughing at them.

She says yes. (Duh <3)

So then they sing "Kedi Pompong"

AND DANCE! <333333333

Our choir boys looked shocked but they caught on quick enough... (they weren't warned)

Then the show starts, and Ballenas (?) anyways, one of their choir members in the top row faints or something (Falls of the risers).

There was a thud.

So she goes to the hospital.

funn......

Then Dover Girl, Nicole and I imitate the "Kedi Pompong" dance outside at intermission. Where all the prima youth choir (<33)>

Oh! That reminds me, had an interesting conversation about purple with Rich.

So then, (when we were outside) super hot choir boy is standing right behind me!

..GAH.

So then we become all stealthy and start talking about him while he's 2 feet away (Codenames biatch)

So that was an interesting day.

Monday:

Wake up, school already started, I have no voice, and like the meteor, I was all "well fuck that"

Went on the computer, started organizing music, played simgs (HOMYGAWD! :shock:)

went to chapters, got german things, and caffinated things (damn you starbucks) and went home.

Productive like Whoa mans.

Today: Got poked into oblivion.

Ben needs a reality check, and to be beaten up.

But not for the reasons I'm going to mention.

So he's all... super poking me today, and it wasn't the like, poking that doesn't hurt either. So I've got him and logan poking me at the same time while Halo is nuzzling her face into my breasts.

Zoinks, triple teamed.

So, I see Kyle (Previously mentioned Kyle) and I'm all "Kyle! Save me! Make them stop!"

So he does.

Spifftastic.

He poked Ben till ben went to punch him, cause ben can't take his own medicine.

(plus ben likes a girl and she likes kyle, though she's a tease and leads ben on)

So then there's class, and then lunch.

Where Spencer (Ty's little brother) double teams me with Logan (Again, more poking) and Cass just sits there laughing.

I forget how I made spencer leave, I think I just started poking him mercilessly whenever my hands were free (They had been taken hostage to prevent retaliation) So then he leaves, and Logan goes and gets a sub (Subway <3) hallway =" circle)">

And the teachers were giving us funny looks, but we weren't being mean, and there was pathways through that patch. So, we gain people till there is about 15 of us, sitting and laying on the ground and eachother.

So, Nick's mom (Like a hallway monitor person at lunch) made us leave :s

So, we crashed the native room. (Plays hiphop, cheap pop, comfortable couchs)

So, Courtney sits on a couch, I sit beside her, Logan sits on us, and Cassi sits in a chair beside us, cause she wouldn't join the pile, and the warning bell rang and logan wouldn't get off me, so I bit him, and pushed him off. That took effort.

Ha! I say.

After school we had choir where I was flicked and poked by Spencer (Again!!) and Nicole and Ashley... Evil.

That about raps up the past coupla' days.

Heck Yes.

Oh!

P.s. In the Japanese skit (For japanese class) My hobby is "Stalker"

P.P.S. Me = Hey! She just dissed him so some friend of his dissed her to get back at her

Joyce= How the hell do you know that?

Me = It's my job to know things

Joyce= You're creepy observant.

Me = I watch human behaviour, so what?

Joyce = See, like right there!

2006-03-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

I am really mad.

And I don't know why.

I want to burn something

Or break something.

Or make a lot of noise.

I want to make someone care

about something,

defend it passionately,

challenge me.

I want a reason to be mad.

I want to yell, at someone,

and not face the consequences

that arise the next day.

The awkward silence,

the stumbled apologies.

I want to be able to make it

unmemorable, forget it ever

happened.

I want to be able to soothe the afterburn,

diminish the glowing ambers.

In short; I want to get mad,

explosive and loud

but I don't want to hurt anyone.

And I Thought I Was Normal

2006-03-01T20:09:00.000-08:00

Well, no, I didn't. But
I didn't think I was such
an oddity as I'm turning out
to be. So far, to conform, I have
to become (Yus I made a list, I had
some, kay a lot (no homework) of
spare time on my hands):

Kay, So, I have to become (or do(n't) ):

Less awesome

Less considerate

More shallow (Is that even possible?

Ahaha, Sexy Beast)

Less polite

Less optimistic

More depressed

Stupider

Less family oriented

Less caring about friends

Less affected by people I care

about's emotions

Lazy-er (Lazier? More Lazy?)

Complain more

Not care about my grades

Not work (cause most don't work at my age)

Not volunteer

That's all I can think of right now.

Isn't that sad, I'm so void of

creativity right now, it's terrible.

But sarcasm is still flowing strong.

At least I have something left that

few can aquire to a certain extent.

Little Susie Q

2006-02-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Yeah, Let's just stop that song
right there. Or else it will be stuck
in my head even more then it already
has been lately. And it shouldn't be,
because it isn't the most.... suitable.

The Kooks seem pretty good

so far. Accents = <3

Everyone knows that. Or at

least they should. It's damn

well common knowledge nowadays.

Blocking certain people leads

to interesting conversations.

I found that out last night, past two

before five. Somewheres around there.

It's good to be home.

But I have school tomorrow

I get to go to Drama. Yay!

And then I have to go talk to my

math teacher. No, I'z not failin'

or nufin.

I'm so glad I don't still live in

Kelowna. Suuuriously. A

normal conversation there

is all.... :

"Hey,"

"What the fuck, why'd you bump into me"

"Sorry, didn't mean to"
"Fucking fag"

"I'm not a fag you 'roid monkey"

*Fist fight*

They're all idiots.

So, I realized I hate stupid people.

People who have learning disabilities

I am completely fine with. People

who don't know any better, I am fine with.

people who know their

doing something completely wrong

but like... yeah.

Effin' morons.

They irk me.

Heaven in a Hottub

2006-02-24T08:03:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. My cousin
made up the name, because
I was talking about last night
which was that night. Cause it
was all:

Alicia and Rob and Megan

in the hot tub. With the snow

falling, all, everywhere. And

The fog was not very far above.

It was beautiful.

Hung out at Christine's highschool

For two days. It was ...interesting.

Like Shane said, they're as close to

being characters in the O.c. as they

can. It's all... Over tired drama queens

demanding a boyfriend to come hug

them that they claim they hate

anways, and then feaux-fighting

with their "best friend" Who they backstab

on occasion anyways and then becoming

"best friends" again minutes later.

Oh, and that boyfriend? Yeah, he is dating

Basically everyone in that circle of friends.

Skeez.

Hung out with Shane at lunch once.

He was in the Theatre room.

Smart guy he is. Though their theatre

room sucks out loud. Like totally.

To clarify, Shane, Christine

Rob, and Megan are all my

cousins. Chris, Rob and Megan

are brothers and sisters.

Shane's sister is Candace,

she's pregnant right now.

So, um, Christine and I were

Talking, and we classified me.

Apparently I'm quite an oddity.

We woke up to the Jeep driver side

window smashed.Cops will come

sooner or later. Mom called them.

There is footsteps all the way

around the jeep. and leading up

to the garage, and then they

retraced their steps apparently.

2006-02-18T08:41:00.000-08:00

I was roughly woken up this morning.
At about 5 30 - 6 am.
I don't have a clock in my room, so I
don't know the exact time.

I was woken up because my stepsister

started going into labour

so my mother and stepfather

had to drive across town

and pick her up from her house

then double back to the hospital

I stayed home. Not by choice.

Only because my mother told me what

was going on (me barely awake)

and left. Saying she'd be back.

Then I got a phone call at 8ish

The babies are born.

Yes, plural, she had twins

They're safe and all.

My mom is now phoning people to come

work for her and I.

I straightened my hair yesterday.

And took some pictures of random

things in my house. Like a suspended

angel.

Tia's suspended for ten days.

Tia being Cassi's cousin.

They (the teachers or whatever)

found her skipping and ripped

out of her mind. Ripped meaning

stoned.

My mom's alarm clock is going off

Has been going off for about 45 minutes now.

I'm not supposed to go into her room

and I enjoy having some noise in this house

that isn't caused by me.

because silence is deafening.

No one is online at 8 in the morning.

For shame.

Really, I thought someone would be

online, who that someone is

I've no idea. But at least someone.

I leave tonight for Kelowna.

Though the plans might have

changed because of the born

twins. Only time will tell what

my mother decides to do.

Capp teacher says the secret to life,

Is not to be happy,

But to be content.

Continuance of Thought

2006-02-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

So, I'm thinking I'm going to keep this format
It suits my series of thoughts
quite well actually.
All, scattered like.

My CaPP Teacher seems to think

that I've opened many "doors"

in my life. For the future of course.

I guess the whole "Yeah, I know I'm

probably going to be working for no pay

(volunteer : doctors without borders) and I'm fine with it"

Yeah, that threw him off.

Went to Cassi's today. Played us some video games.

Ate us some Mr.Noodles.

Fought and fell over each other.

Life is always entertaining at her house.

Beware the troll.

Murray (Spermy the Wonder Boy)

Is at my house right now.

He works with my mother and I.

He's cool, like an annoying older brother.

Hokay, So.

2006-02-16T19:10:00.000-08:00

I don't like you.

Really, I don't.

Apparently she thinks I do.

and thinks you know I do.

the past is a embellishing thing, no?

Well now, I need my writing skills back.

I need to read more. To write more.

To force myself back into the life I once lived.

The running joke now is that I'm easy.

Couldn't be farther from the truth.

Hence the reason it is sticking.

Don't really like it, but don't care enough

to change it.

Ever feel like your falling?

But you enjoy the feeling?

The dizzying offset of your equilibrium

The nauseous waves that follow.

Group conversations are increasingly

more popular on msn. A fad that we've joined

mayhaps?

Though the topics of conversation aren't

always the most entertaining

they seem to be interesting.

I called the one with the hair.

Otherwise known as Matt.

Only because I was listening to Butch Walker,

which reminded me of Matt.

Turns out the boy is expelled. And engaged to be married.

At 15. Time flys when you're missing a brain.

Cody needs to lay off the bolded capslock.

But the countdowns are fine.

I wonder how long it will take for Aaron to realize,

That both Cody and I are leaving the internet starting

Tomorrow and the next day.

I forgot my title.

2006-02-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

I wrote this last night. Somehow that seemed more significant then writing it today.

Hokay, so, you know when someone can't seem to escape the depths of your mind; so you're eternally tortured with their image, their thoughts, their memory? And you know the only way to at least make the flooding thoughts not come at you so menacingly is to tell that someone. But you know, or "assume" that no good will come out of telling that someone those things when you've second guessed it so much you don't even know if the meaning behind the constant onslaught of imagery is what is stereotypically the meaning of them? You've denied all probabilty of "it" (whatever "it" actually turns out to be) ever happening for so long that it's in the back of your mind that the thoughts are constant only because you wish to spite yourself. That they're fake, and in all actuality you feel nothing towards that person.
What do you do when someone has consumed your reality? Taken over your mind without even knowing it? Dangling the control of your emotion over you; again with no knowledge. How do you deal with talking to them for hours but missing them soon after you part? What happens when your friends notice that there is more doodling in your notebooks then work?

What happens when an infatuation becomes an obsession?

Update?

2006-02-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

They haven't talked in two days.

She woke up and he wasn't in the house.

She got ready to go to her superbowl party, he showed up.

She left, with a quick whispered goodbye to me.

He left. With no comment at all a half hour later.

So, now I'm alone again, in subdued warfare.

Yeah, so there.

2006-01-31T19:58:00.000-08:00

Hour one : Power Outage. Thanks guys
Hour two: Still power out. Watch hydro dudes start fixing it.
Hour two and ten minutes : Power back on. Yay hydro dudes.
Hour two and twenty minutes : Playing DDR
Hour two and fourty minutes: Check if we have internet
Hour two and fourty one minutes: Find out we have no internet. Modem is on the fritz.
Hour two and fifty minutes: Drink juice, eat macaroni.
Hour three: watch American idol.
Hour three: Laugh at American idol.

Where the hell?

2006-01-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

Did all my creativity go? Seriously, I haven't written anything in like forever. Then I go look at like, Cody's blog, and it's all HEY LOOK I RITE GUD POETRY... but with good spelling.

Maybe if I go all emo I'll be able to write again. Like quality writing.

I used to pic up a pen and just write. Now I pick up a pen, stare blankly into space, and start doodling.

Nothing really seems to matter lately.

I so just had something to say.

2006-01-30T20:59:00.000-08:00

But I lost it.

Oh, Right!

I miss him.

That's about it.

And,

I have this insane ability to like, make Cody appear basically whenever I want him to. Though he doesn't know to what extent. It's all like "Hey, where the fuck is cody, I need to talk to him" then it's all "Cody has just signed in" and I'm like "Heck yes, Alicia strikes again" Mad skills man, mad skills.

Mad skills are totally boss.

So are crossdressing comedians on ice.

I still miss him.

Opkea to the extreme like hardcore.

2006-01-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

I really don't know what to say. Or why I'm even writing in my blog. I have so much work to do that's due tomorrow, and have no desire to do it. At all. It doesn't help that it's worth like, 10% of my final mark.

So, I come home from my cousins to an empty house. Thanks guys.

Life's a bitch and then we die.

That seems fitting.

Fanfiction Saga.

2006-01-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

At first, he was the file-sharing self proclaimed scapegoat. Quite hot, but rather afraid of said hotness, causing him to deny it.

Meeting Alicia he was deemed the whipping boy. And subject to phrases along the lines of "whoa, you're hot".

Seeking relief from instant messages singing his praises, he paired the two who constantly praised him in a chat together. shortly after he realized his huge mistake.

The path of the admittance came cleary into view. Admittance into the psych ward at the hospital of course.

So he continued his vehement denial, slowly aggravating the pair of girls. Until one day, the tides turned, and "The Cult of The Sexy Beast" was formed.

Polls were formed, both accidently and on purpose. All results came back the same, he was hot.

The cult was slowly recruiting members, trickling in like water, not there usual girl selves.

The creators of the cult were stunned. They decided to harness the opportunity that was swiftly fleeing ahead of them.

Brain storming, they came up with a plan.

One would write a fanfiction type story, and the other would illustrate it. They'd make millions.

And so the tale unfolds.

The Book pt.3

2006-01-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

Alicia: Last day of school before christmas break!

Ashley: HELL YA! Merry KissMoose!

Alicia: Merry Kissmoose! I swear we should find a moos and kiss it before it tramples us~! Then it would really be Kissmoose. XD

Anecca: No, it's Christmaka LOL I LOVE that word! we should all hang this christmas break! KK

Ashley: YA! I'll have a chrismas party!!

(erm, authors note? she never did have that party)

Alicia: I won't be here budz

Ashley: YES YOU FREAKIN WILL!!

Alicia: When is this supposed party? around ---- estimate?

Anecca: Whenever we decide to have it!

Ashley: NOW!

Alicia: Well, if it's now, then I can go XD!

Well, that's a short one, so should I do another? Yes, I think I will.

The Book pt. 4

Alicia: Back off holidays and all that. Not much changed, except my hair colour XD. Science is still the same, exactly.

Ashley: Alicia you hair color changes more then the moon changes fares! and as for science that's a big D-U-H!

Anecca: Hey, my hair changed too! I have bangs now! That's hot! LOL don't worry I'm not Paris Hilton! Lonely, I'm still lonely, I have no body to call my own LOL just kiddin

Alicia: That song is annoying. and HEY! Ashley, my hair changes like, once a month because life is getting boring! I need change in life. It's better then moving around or being all drastic and going through boys like WHOA MANS!

Ashley: Alicia IT WAS A JOKE! and changing you hair is not changing your life. Pick a drastic colour if you need to do that!

Alicia: Nah, drastic for drastic's sake is so not my style. That would be a big D-U-H

Ashley: Hey! That's copywritten!

Anecca: I'm quitting this convo you guys don't even follow the rules you guys made up! and stop moving the table! Alicia if you don't I'll kick you off this table!

(pff, like really, it was my table in the first place)

Alicia: you have no authority over me Anecca, watch your step. and, what rules are we not following? We're stating our name, and writing in pen. There's the rules, none broken.

Emma: I honestly have no clue what to say

Anecca: If you don't even remember the rule that you made about how whoever signed the book first to last! you said we had to write in order of where the names were (a/n, on the front cover, we listed our names) So I quit!

Alicia: I didn't say that. you did. and I said that was pointless because we aren't all here at the same time.

Ashley: I think we should burn the book, take back what we've said, and then have an after PARTY! LOL I made a joke! I'm so kool ^_^

Alicia: How is that a joke? and I'm not taking back anything I said, because I have no reason too.

Emma: Stubborn.

Ashely: IT WAS A FUNNY! THATS HOW IT WAS A JOKE D-U-H! Emma, who is stubborn? Or is it the page? perhaps it is your pen, or you? who is stubborn?

There is two more entries to come soon, cause we haven't written in the book in a while.

The Book pt.2

2006-01-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

Ashley: Alicia, I think you're in love.

Alicia: In love with whom?

Ashley: Dare I say it?

Alicia: Dost thou darest?

Ashley: I it is - LOL I'm Yoda!

Alicia: So I'm in love with you?

Ashley: Nope... Jake, but I was jk.

Alicia: Oh, oh... that's...that's just wrong! utterly and totally wrong!

Ashely: Tee hee hee. But true. - Had to put it LOL

Emma: >_< Weird.

Anecca: Romeo Romeo were for art though Romeo LOL

Ashley: No One Gives A Shit!

Alicia: Down you scurvy knave! I will not tell thee anything! other then almost everything you want.

Ashley: What the hell did you just say?

Anecca: No one cares cuz Tybalts dead OMFG (crying)

Alicia: Tybalt was on scurvy knave. Brandishing his sword like some bubblegum stuck to your shoe!

Ashley: You guys are so strange.

Anecca: And this is the story of Juliet and her Romeo!

Alicia: Holy St. Francis! You ungreatful wretch.

Ashley: good times in science LOL

Anecca: Dancing lol gotta do it again! See that waltzing came in handy!

(authors note: We were doing a dancing unit in gym class, and decided to dance in science, because the teacher lets us do basically anything we want)

Ashley: Now k?

Alicia: I know it did, I taught it to you.

Anecca: I'd done it before but it didn't stick cuz it was on a pitch black field with cell phone music with a bunch of friends laughing. So there!

Alicia: Sounds like fun! I'm so tired. I've been having nightmares recently. I don't like it.

Anecca: About your lover Jake! LOL

Ashley: That's not called a nightmare! LOL.

Anecca: What's it called? Dream sex?

Emma: Lol. That's a good one Anecca. I congradulate you.

Alicia: Anecca, that's just sick. It's not my fault you want Blake and he has no interest in you.

Anecca: yeah sure and I can sing through my ass.

Ashley: I would just like to know where that came from?

Alicia: Anecca you're rather odd, and somewhat cruel.

Emma: I hate to break it to you Alicia, but so are you.

Alicia: Yes, but I know that. And I haven't called you "mrs." in a long time!

Anecca: Well I hate to break it to you but I'm cooler than you all cuz I can sing through my ass (LOL)

Emma: I'll get you one day Alicia! *maniacal laugh*

Ashley : What the heck is going on?!

Alicia: Emma has been mad at me for two years now because I (among others I must say!) have noticed something and pointed it out and she refuses to admit it. And anecca, just doesn't like me cause I'm uber rad. Emma! what's your email so I can send you that picture?

Ashley: Ok, I'm all caught up.

~~ Yes, I know I'm the one getting burned here. And potentially embarrassed. So what I'm doing is my own fault. I don't really care. None of you even know who Jake is.

Alicia is Going to Austria.

2006-01-18T19:38:00.000-08:00

bitch, moan, complain, let's go insane.

So, wanna see what my life is like right now? Of course you do. Here's a prime example.

Kay, nevermind, if you actually want to see it, IM me and I'll send it to you.

An interesting day to say the least. I guess.

Sarcasmic

2006-01-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

Like, orgasmic, but in a sarcasm sense.

Anywho, some writings after hearing about some recent events.

Depression sets in slowly

savouring the spread of the disease

but fighting it at the same time

wanting to be free

but secretly enjoying it.

Melancholic.

Silent pleas of frustration

mouthed, never spoken

a feeling of desertion

your world spins

everyone is happy

everyone but you

but who are you exactly

just a face with a name

infiltrating invisibility

cloaked in your own remorse, your own regrets

Always feeling

Like a bomb exploded, leaving you barren land

empty soil, no inhabitants

there's no interest from the outside world

you are unwanted.

Sarcastic rush:

Trade your freedom for your memories, or do the reverse, as long as the outcome is not painful. Escape, flee if need be, but do not confront. If you confront, you may just have to deal with the problem at hand. Push it aside, pretend it's not there, you'll get by just fine. This will work, all your life, no one will question your motives. Douse photo's in fire, on the beach, make it comparable to the burn of the sun if you have too. Just never confront, never get through, never solve anything.

I really fucking love it when people go back on their word.

Opinions are devious things, devious, malicious, thought provoking things.

Example:

I think Aaron is hot, that's my opinion, and Kelley's. Aaron is in denial.

I also think that I'm losing friends rapidly. Though the only on that's being tormented by it is me.

I also think that being forced to do an independant studies project that limits your creativity, by forbidding some things, and pressing Alicia for time is incredibly stupid.

P.s. I'm an archer slash assassin slash theif slash death magic master. (Glowsticks are my tools kay thanks) While also providing the comic relief.

Opkea ... Or is it Opkae?

2006-01-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

So, me and Jessica (J-dog and Alicia, k-k-k-keepin' it real) were all, sitting in the back of the school library (every couple of days or so) and we rummage through the astology section, taking out the books about our birth months, years and days. (Seriously, huge book on days, cause it's got every day of the year in it) Every one of them say I'm rather vain. Which made me laugh loudly, because, I can be, but mostly I'm just playing. So, at some points, I'd be all "That can't be true" And Jessica would look at me sadly and go "But it is, really". So I'm a vain attention whore driven for power who is sensitive and sensual and independant. And a whole bunch more that I forget.

We went to Tofino today, I got some great shots of the water, but I haven't uploaded them yet, due to a dislike of being alone in the dark. So, it's like, a three hour drive there, a three and a half hour drive back (don't ask me why) and we hung around for two hours. I wore sandals to the beach so I could run bare foot through the sand, in the freezing cold, and not feel my feet for the next half hour. but it was worth it. Sooo worth it.

I'm tired but hyper, this is becoming a habit. I blame the whipping boy.

Going to Victoria tomorrow, (yay more road trips?) get all my passport crap over and done with.

Which reminds me. Aaron needs to get his passport all done and crap so I can smuggle him over the border. Less hassle.

Artificial Amatuers Find it All Amazing.

2006-01-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

Ugh, my legs hurt, I keep bumping them into things, like sharp corners. So, I pulled my pant leg up to my knee, and there's like.. 9-12 bruises on each leg. Because they're so clumsy and they're on my calves, my poor toned calves. I love my calves, but sadly, they're attracted to painful objects. Biznatches, it's all :

"Hey, look, a hidden shard of glass"

"I get it first!"

"Aww, no fair, you got the corner of the couch this morning."

"Fine."

"Yay!" -runs into shard of glass-

Me - "Ow... stupid legs"

You - "She just simulated ac conversation with her legs" 0_o

P.s. work = boring

Other then finding the bruises and the fabricating and randomly singing and dancing (loudly) to whatever was on my Mp3 player at the time.

Cause almost no one was there today.

+1 more day of rain.

Fill My Heart With Song

2006-01-13T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's part of the song we're singing in Vocal Jazz now. We're actually singing two at once instead of one, like last time.

Jason asked Renna out. Renna said no. Because Jason's been deemed gay since I knew him (3 years?). I guess he's not so gay. So now, I don't actually know a fully homosexual person. eh.

Aaron was all sneaky and put our conversation on his blog, thinking I wouldn't look at it I guess. As I told Cody, that's so my thing, putting things on blogs without people knowing. Cause I'm one sly gal. Pfft.

My hair is actually being nice to me, and in saying that, it's probably going to be all mean to me now.

THE SKY IS FALLING. Or you know, maybe it's just the 26 days of rain we've had! Now, don't get me wrong, I love the rain, but I have friends going spastic because they haven't seen the sun for almost a month. Which is very...trying. We could at least have fog occasionally, just to make me happy, but NO. So, no snow, no fog, just blissfull rain.

CONVO SHOW:

Alicia: So, how old is Kyle anyways?
Ashley: He's in grade 12.. DON'T ASK HIM OUT
Alicia: ..What?
Ashley: That's so gross
Alicia: How did asking his age turn into asking him out?
Ashley: Just don't, he's so gross
Alicia: How's he gross?
Ashley: Not tellin'.

Like c'mon. Why couldn't she tell me? Oh, and repeat the bottom half of the conversation in caps for like.. thirty times after that.

I volunteered at Coal Tyee today, Diana (little buddy person) was all wanting to play frisbee, so we played frisbee. And basketball, and she's all, tarzana on the ropes. But back to the frisbee thing, being the sports inclined person that I am, when Diana threw it, higher then my head, I backed up, instead of letting it just fall on the floor. But to my dismay, Kyle jumped above my head in a graceful, yet painful (for him, he stumbled afterwards) leap and grabbed it from right above me. Scared me! He's all "I'ma jump off this sprinboard, over that mat, and grab that rope from your hand, and with my momentum, I'm going to hit the wall" and he did. Eek.

Joanne and Ashley are so pretty in their Grad photos.
Yep Yep.

I feel charming, it's alarming how charming I feeeeeeeeel.

I don't really like that song. But whatever.

And the World Came Crumbling Down.

2006-01-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

I want fun.

passion.

romance.

companionship.

commitment.

honesty.

intelligence.

cleverness.

humour.

excitement.

The Book pt.1

2006-01-11T19:38:00.000-08:00

dec 12th, 2005

Alicia: Here we are a little late I guess but it's the thought that counts. Everyone remembers the rules right? No, probably not. The main ones were always state your name before writing and always in pen, doesn't matter what colour.

Ashley: What the hell is this thing? A contract? What, are we in a cult now?

Alicia: Yeah, it's a cult. No, don't you remember the book last year? That saddens me greatly Ashely.

Ashley: No, I have no idea what your talking about. Thats a bit D-U-H! lol I heart saying that. Of course I remember last year. I was just trying to make a funny. Duh.

Alicia: Technically you didn't say anything, you wrote it. D-U-H <-- haha I stole your saying! Whatchya gunna do about it?
Ashley: This ..................... "Bitch"
Alicia: I spoke to Ian last night.
Emma: Who's this Ian person?
Ashley: yes, do speak of him ... or w/e. lol nm
Anecca: Is he your soon to be B/f?
Alicia: haha! I wish, he's adorable. but, he's american, short, and utterly bodacious.
Emma: Bodacious? good word. I know an american guy, but that has absolutely nothing to do with this.
Ashley: Is he the twin, if so, I call the other! SHOTTIE!
Anecca: I shottie his best friend
Alicia: Oh gawd, I'm showing him this! He'll laugh so hard.
Ashley, you can't have him, or his twin, especially if I can't. And technically, he isn't allowed to date anyways. Rotary says so.
Emma: Even though I have no clue who you guys are talking about, I say the rotary's stupid. (LAME COMMENT) >.<

Ashley: I don't give a damn.

Alicia: Yeah, the rotary is being rather silly, they still haven't called me to tell me where I'm going to stay for the year. others knew last week. Pick-up lines are so humourous. Emma, go online, I'll send you a photo, so you know who we're talking about. Though out of this group, I'm the only one who knows what he looks like.

Emma: Ok, maybe email it to me. That would be more convenient.

Ashley: Why am I talking now?

Alicia: I don't know but again, you didn't say a word. BAHHAHA!

Anecca: You can't have a long distance relationship it does not work. "zanzabar" lol "fuck her gently"

Alicia: Do I want to know why those three words/terms have a connection with Ian? Or what it means for that matter?

Ashley: It has everything to do with Ian. Thats a big d-u-h

Anecca: It's your pick up line, you say "f*ck me gently" LOL no joke!

Alicia: Oh gawd, what a pick-up line! Remind me to NEVER use that... EVER!

Emma: You guys are insane

Anecca: No! It's an awesome pick-up line and it works if you send me his email I'll show you!

Ashley: It's a sucky pick up line. Sure it works, but then he'll think you're a hooker, and thats a bad relationship

Alicia: I think he thinks I'ma tease, cause, I always say weird things, that make him all speechless. but hell no I ain't giving you his email! you'll corrupt him.

Emma: Women are teases. Period.

ashley : Emma, I would just like to congradulate you on your super awesome comment.

-another class-

well, the rest will wait for another day. Ya dig?

Happy Tuesday?

2006-01-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so, last night was fun, with three people talking with me or at me, or ignoring me at once. In one conversation, then three others in three other conversations.

Though it was interesting to say the least.

AND, I got my internet priveliges revoked, so, at nine (like this is going to last long) I get booted off the computer, but unlike Cody, it's from a human voice, not a pre-programmed router.

It's a saturday.

2006-01-07T22:44:00.000-08:00

It's been saturday all day. Go figure. Work was boring.

Here's an update.

I'm one of the tallest people in my "group" of friends. Except for the boys, almost all the boys are taller.
I'm messed up in that whole "relationship" thing. Boys were made to be friends, as were girls, I'm asexual.
I'm going to be an exchange student next school year, for either Japan or Thailand.
I'm random, because I like being so. I choose songs by using numbers parrallel to the first letter in the name listed. Then make friends randomly choose when I don't know what to listen to.
I was up till 3:30 am last night, and still managed to be hyper when I woke up at 7am for work. I blame it on Aaron's persuasiveness. Or lack thereof.
Accents are ultimately the coolest thing on the earth. effin' orgasmic. I assure you, it's a girl thing. But not all accents mind you. Just british, spanish, italian (DIFFERENT) and .. austrailian.
Dying my hair is becoming a habit. But I think I've settled on a colour. I like it.
I'm a klutz, and clumsy, or whatever else fits into that category.I fall up stairs, scrape my knees on invisible objects, find random scars, and slam fingers into doors repeatedly. Absent minded about limbs.
My mind moves too fast for my functions. I'm not able to type all I want to type fast enough, which makes me forget half of it.
If my mind gets bored, it starts day dreaming, whether I want it to or not.
I've had my webcam for christmas and just found out how to take pictures today.
I talk to my cats, and they talk back.
I ask forgiveness from walls and other such non living things when I run into them. Or I tell them off.
I'm really into photography, and architecture, and medicine, and psychology.
I figure if I study psychology long enough, I'll have no problem spelling all words with "psychsdhjjkdfh" in them. Because I have serious problems.
Apparently, I'm caramilk, and I have that whole "Quit with the bullshit" attitude. Go me.
I chicken out of things I shouldn't do that don't cause harm, and don't back down from things I should.
I'm contemplating becoming mute.
Which means I'd have to quit both choir and Jazz choir, but what's a few credits?
I'd be all like that kid a couple years back that just corresponded with emails, even to his parents.
I've been compared to Superman, and Aaron is unknowingly Spiderman. I informed him.
I like Aarons collar, a lot, it owns mine. But hey, I'll get it from him one day.
And apparently I have no friends that live close to me, or at least, no friends that feel like being friends at the current moment.
Anywho, I don't know what else to say other then... Update soon?

I -heart- Gaia.

2006-01-06T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well, really, I could live without Gaia. I just love the person on Gaia that told me about Mary Pranksters - la resistance, here, check it out:

I got excellent intentions
And unbeatable excuses
And I’m moderate in vices
With the usual abuses

I got entertaining stories
And a cheerful disposition
And fanatical devotion
To a kamikaze mission

And you can take your common sense
And head it out the door
If you have no confidence
In what I’m fighting for’
Cause I love you, baby
I just love me so much more

And so you see, my vanity comes through for me
More often than you do for me
And in the end I’ll choose the path of most resistance
And you’ll say, “It doesn’t have to be this way”
And try and pull me back in play
And rue the day you ever learned of my existence

I got well-examined motives
And a pre-ordained direction
I’m utopian by preference
But I’ll settle for perfection

I got friends of every flavor
Evangelical and shifty
And if I can crack this open
I’m taking everybody with me

And you can take your precedents
And head ’em out the door’
Cause this ain’t like anything
That’s ever come before
And I love you, baby
I just love me so much more

It's like.. the best "Fuck You" song ever.
Which is saying something, because I usually don't like female singers.
I realized something today, and I hate realizing things, because when I realize them, they aren't something I want to know. Well, usually they aren't.

It's an early spring and my eyes are everchanging colour.

Wow, that's coded to the extreme. I feel so sly. And I should. Because I deserve to feel something that no one else does at this exact moment in time. Damn rights, I demand it.

So, I got hit on by missionaries the other day, you know, the people that go on missions in other parts of the country, and sometimes other countries to spread the word of their religion, and help people out? Yeah, he was cool. And suprisingly easy to talk to. AND HE DIDN'T PRESS A RELIGION ON ME. So, yeah, I respect him for someone I talked to for twenty minutes. And that's more then I can say for people I've known for a year+ ... Some* people I should say.

Neener neener neener, I never know who's reading this anymore, because people have gotten all shifty and don't post comments, so, I can't tell who's reading. So, I can't say much, because I am a guarded person. Heck yes.

I went volunteering today, it was alright, Diana is my buddy, and she's a pretty alright ten year old. Energetic like Whoa, but fun to keep up with. Full of life ya know? The other girls don't seem to like her. She's got three friends. that's it. I can't imagine that. Even with moving every year, I seemed to make at least 15 friends. At least. She's intelligent too. And I know she's going to drive me crazy, but I'm fine with it.

My smallest class contained three people today. English, yeah, cause of the major b-ball tourney going on in the gym, three of us didn't want to go. Cause we're cool. The teacher was all "I'll be right back" and we're all like "whatever" and she never returned. I guess she showed us...

We had a "study hall" type scenario first block. I felt like such an american. Because... yeah, american television highschools are all "HEY STUDY HALL OH CRAP" and things. Tinnian watched over us and after the bell rang Ashley and I were talking all, friend like, and Tinnian comes up to us and is all "Ashley, you seem depressed, I don't see you smile as much anymore, same with you Alicia, but it's more noticable in Ashley." etc. As soon as we got out of the damn class we were all "Well I wonder why" all sarcastically because we haven't had drama since like ...OCTOBER... and that's her fault. So, we blamed it on that. But not to her face of course, because I held my tongue, and Ashley is too kind.

I haven't written poetry in a long time. Writers block. It's June all over again. Just different people.

I just realized only I know what that means, and I'm ok with that.

The other day (Before winter break, cause I forgot about it)

Jessica and I were all, sitting in the back of the library between the bookshelves (sneaky) reading these astrology books. They crack me up. Mostly because they are so right in one aspect, but totally off on another. It was all...

ALICIA (actually it said leo)

YOUR A STAR, BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU ATTRACT ATTENTION ON PURPOSE AND HAVE NO PROBLEM MAKING FRIENDS BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU LIKE TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION AND ARE AFFECTIONATE TO ONLY THOSE YOU KNOW WELL BLAH BLAH BLAH YOUR FIERY (CAUSE THATS MY SIGN YO) AND HAVE A FIERY SPIRIT. YOU WANT A GUY WHO KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN AND CHALLENGE YOUR MIND CAUSE YOU'RE SUPER BRILLIANT

Yeah, and a bunch of other crap claiming that I attract guys like honey and blah blah blah blah bullcrap.

Yeppers.

I found out that they're trying to get me to Japan, but if I don't feel like waiting for Japan to respond, I can go to Thailand.

No one really seems to care that I won't be here next year. Except Logan, cause he's already all...

"I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO ANYMORE AND I'M GOING TO BE PERPETUALLY BORED BECAUSE ALICIA CAN'T AMUSE ME ALL THE WAY OVER THERE I'M GOING TO GO GET A WHOLE LOT MORE SLU--- GIRLFRIENDS TO FILL THE VOID"

He told me not to leave him all alone, cause he'd have no one to hang with, though we all know he could hang out with almost anyone in the school.

Anywho, I'm bored out of my mind, because there is NO ONE online. And I have no homework, and no intentions of playing my videogame right now, because, well, I don't want to.

Yay Joanne and Tyler. Though I've never met Tyler, I've heard about him. Apparently he treats her like a princess.

I feel sorry for Renna. 'Nuff said. Though Kara and I are going to hold it over her head for eternity, because we're like that. Just like Kara is going to hold something over my head forever, and I for her. It's a good relationship.

Nyky! Just ask him out already, we both know you both like each other, and he's WAY more shy then you. Well, more then half the continent is more shy then you.

No, I'm not talking about Neekole, who's Vicky's friend, but the other Nyky.

New word: er.

Not so new though.

-Insert Witty Comment-

2006-01-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

So, everything is all "Gangsta Yo" lately. Fo sheezy'.

I was all, sitting in Socials class (first day back) today, after lunch, falling asleep (I sit in the back corner, and me and Mr.Hudson have a unspoken pact, that goes like this "He doesn't disturb me while I slip in and out of con-shaas-ness (can't spell...hooked on phonics :P) and I remain one of the 3 or so in his class that does not excessively disturb the class" ) and randomly I pull out a scrap of paper and start writing about a memory. Which is rather odd of me, because I don't usually do that. But I'm not writing it on here, because I don't have it with me to copy down, and I don't feel like remembering all that was written.

Gym was alright, we're doing badminton for like.. two weeks now, which sucks. Because I hate badminton. It's only fun against the boys who actually try and compete, the girls just stand there and hit the damn birdie. All stoic like. I love that word. Stoic.

Choir was alright today, got like... 4-5 new songs to choose from? I dislike a couple of them greatly. And most of them are all ... Religiously based. Which is just flippin' grand. Not. I hate singing about "The Almighty" and all that. Couple of people didn't show up, but we still had full risers...was odd. Off the top of my head I can think of six people who didn't show. But whatever, to each their own. So, Ashley and I all.... rocked out while unsuccessfully trying to politely ignore Jen, the one screeching in my ear. After that I was told, not asked, that I was hanging out at Subway with Mz. Jen and Jason, who joined choir again ( suprise suprise ). Sasja (pronounced sasha) and I think his name is Will? Anywho, they showed up, and we talked with them for a while. Then Jen left (yay) and I hung out with Jason till my mother showed up to take me home because I am not legally allowed to drive. Which is more tolerable now that he's trying to look "Straighter". ... He said it, I didn't.

I noticed something today, usually when I used to write in my blog, "Used to" being the operative phrase, it was a rather long-ish post, though I've seen much longer, but lately (past couple of months?) they've been all...empty and malnurished. Like a kid on welfare with a learning disability.

I love analogies. And incorrect spelling, but only when I do it.

Science this morning was just like it used to be. Seriously. We did basically nothing, handed in basically nothing, and jabbered on with our friends for the whole class. Except the part where he introduced us to our new student teacher, whose name I've forgotten. Seriously though, he looks no older then 16, and he's 24. I feel like I'm going to be taught by someone my own age, which would be fine and all, if I knew him, and knew that I was actually going to learn correct information.

A friend of mine (Katrina, no one knows her. And no, she isn't imaginary) Is stuck on her french. She's a year younger then me, and I've taken four years of french, but not for two years, so of course I was asked tonight to help her out. (Her mom was my mom's nurse, but is like a second mother to my mom, and Kat is adopted, hence the reason that she's so young compared to her mother. Thats how we met) So, now I have to brush up on my french, remember what everything means, and help someone else. I'm willing and all, because I crave languages (seriously, people think it's creepy that I'm 15 and already know bits and pieces of 3 languages other then english) but I don't want to dissapoint her if I can't help her. Hence the reason I'm going to start "borrowing" Ashley's old worksheets that she doesn't need anymore in french. Because I'm cool. Ya dig? I know, it's technically cheating, not relying soley on my memory of two years past. I only quit french because Japanese sounded cooler and grade 8 was the year I got a B in it... I don't like getting B's in a subject after getting A's for three years. So, I took Japanese and got a high B (like, 84 or something) instead.

Anywho, I have to get into the habit of going to bed at a reasonable hour. So. Yeah.

P.s. I thought what I'd do was, well, I hadn't thought that far.

Update

2006-01-01T18:56:00.000-08:00

28th of December...

Had a water fight outside at work. Yeah, outside. In december. In t-shirts. Murray got soaked, so he soaked Mum. Alicia filled waterbottles and locked them all outside, laughing.

31/1st December/January...

Had Logan and Cassi over, didn't sleep much, went rock climbing in the pouring rain, slipped, scraped knee, fine. Walked around in the hail and REALLY strong wind. Walked home, Logan left (230pm ) crashed till 630 . Cassi still asleep. Went on computer.

Happy New Year and All That Jazz.

Brits and a new hat

2005-12-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm on the mainland right now. It's ok. Drinkin' chi-chi's and no, I'm not explaining what that is anymore. We have about 15 people in my grandmothers living room right now, so I escaped to the office, and the internet. It's safer here, less chaos.

So, anyways, on the way here (explaining the new hat) we stopped to pick up my brother, and I jumped out of the car, hugged him, grabbed his hat, put it on, and went back in the car. Viola, new hat. I'm not giving it back, we all know that. Plus, it looks better on me. You'll see it sooner or later.

Now, about the Brits (british ya dig?)

Chels and I were talking, bout stuff n' stuff. And we decided, we only want Brit boys. With brit accents. Because we adore them. So, we cut out about 1090937509446/1100000000000 of the population away. Assuming that there are that many people on earth. Which there probably isn't ( one quadrillion, one hundred trillion) something like that.

So, it's been an eventful couple of hours.

post.

2005-12-19T21:04:00.000-08:00

Oh underused blog. How I've abused you. How neglected you must feel. Yadda yadda yadda.

Finally talking to people that haven't been online in forever (coughrichjustincough) and my mom decides then is the time she wants to go online. Downright demands it. grr. So, I had to leave. Which, when I finally got back online, I found out that some other people that I'd been desperately wanting to talk to.. Had been online. Damn.

So, I sent out these questionairre thingys, and surpisingly got four of them back. rather quickly.
I'm sharing answers! because I'm cool like that, and they make me laugh.

[5] What do you think of me? You're oh so cool? right answer? yes?
[9] Have I ever hurt you? If we knew each other IRL, this answer would be "physically, yes" (You would SO deserve it though)
[15] Do you wish I was cooler? Impossible! Right answer? yes? (starting to be a habit?)
[31] Do you think I would kill someone? Under extreme circumstances

[4] How have I affected you? Uh... I don't know... maybe you've made me more sarcastic than I would have been if I never met you?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. This is the hardest question in the universe (CARAMILK CHOCOLATE BAR (XP, I don't know) because you look kinda tough on the outside, but you are sweet and nice on the inside)
[28] What's something you would change about me? Some of your taste in music!
[31] Do you think I would kill someone? For the right reason.

[3] When and how did we meet? You by far are one of the wierdest meetings I've ever had. That being that we both, by fate or something, were added to each others lists.
5] What do you think of me? So many things, it really depends on the moment. Your one of those that remind me of how non-independant I was as a kid.
[14] Emotionally, what stands out? Rebelliousness if that's an emotion. I don't want you to take that wrong, but I like people with an inner fire. They're much more interesting.
[15] Do you wish I was cooler? Oh yeah, someone has to be the coolest possible person. You are almost there, I think Superman's the only one that beats you.
[21] What was your first impression? I liked you a lot, still do. You seemed a little darker then, but maybe I just know you better now...?
[25] What about me makes you happy? The fact that you're so happy to see me, even if you give me crap about it.
[31] Do you think I would kill someone? Not really, not to imply that you're a kitten or anything, but I really don't see you getting that angry. Just tell that to everyone that fears you, lol.

On the fourth one (didn't show one person on here) finally someone said I wouldn't kill people! Do you really all think I'm THAT harsh? Like c'mon. seriously.

~~~~

2005-12-11T19:53:00.000-08:00

"So, whatchya up to?"

"Pretending to have a life"

"Oh, why's that?"

"Beats accepting that I don't"

"Don't what?"

"Have a life. Duh. Doesn't everyone know that?"

"No actually, most seem to think you're rather busy."

"Just because you're busy doesn't mean you have a life."

"I belive being busy classifies you in the category of having a life"

"I disagree"

"Well, I disagree with your disagrement"

"well! I disagree with your disagreeing---- wait, I'm not going to get into this"

"Aww, c'mon, I was so winning!"

"You'll never win. Ever."

I haven't posted in forever!

2005-12-08T21:02:00.000-08:00

I got accepted for that rotary thing
but they still haven't called me
for my country placement
which I wouldn't be so upset about
if I didn't know that 3 people at least
have already been assigned countries.

ticked off I say!

Other then that, we had out christmas choir thing in a church last night

Have I mentioned that I dislike churches?

So Mike, Rich, and Ty were laughing at the bible, or sections of the bible, or whatever.

Throat is sooo sore. And swollen. Very Very swollen.

Oh Damn. I am quite cool. And you all know it.

Why is that you say?

FURTHER COMMUNICATION.

Between my self and one who shall remain nameless.

Because it's cooler that way.

You notice my double spacing and your aggravated by it?

Oh well.

There is a half eaten gingerbread house screaming to be snacked on with some milk, but sadly my throat cannot contain gingerbread civilly, and we have no milk.

I want to lay down, under a down quilt, with tea, and a book, and System of a down playing on my MP3 player. That...Would be grand

I need to go christmas shopping, and buy christmas presents, for people. like... family.

Huzzah!

2005-11-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

By the look of those 'cuff marks he has no problem mating in "captivity"

Stuff to do in an Elevator n' stuff.

2005-11-21T20:22:00.000-08:00

1.When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2.Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3.Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4.Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5.Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6.Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7.Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9.Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10.Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11.Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12.Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13.Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14.When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15.Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Snort.

17.Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!" YES

19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20.Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23.Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25.Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Yeah, thats right. First I'm conquering Walmart, then All elevators in the world.. Pfft, like that's ever going to happen. The only way to conquer elevators would be to programme your song (that you sing, made, whatever( inth the "elevator music" thingy, you know, the speakers. Then have subliminal messages playing in it. Then you could control everyone that ever went on an elevator that had music. Booyah. Concert tomorrow! Woot, going with emma, which means I should call "The one with the hair" but nah. I don't want to, because well, he probably isn't home, and I don't really feel like talking to him. Because there isn't a topic at hand to talk to him about other then the concert and if he got his act together in time to buy a damn ticket. And his band I guess.

You know what sucks? I've been more susceptible to emotions lately. Like usually, I don't get angry much, or whatever. But since I've gotten out of whatever stage I was in, I'm all...different. duh.

So, I was talking to my mom the other day, about my grades, because that is all she cares about. Seriously. It's all "well as long as you try...wait a minute, why is there a 75 here? It's not good enough, you know you could do better. Why didn't you do this one again? If you could of?" blah blah blah. I couldn't do that one again because I couldn't. jeez.

Spent my friday and saturday at the hospital. Not because of me, but because of my mother, and they still don't know what is wrong with her. Just plain fuckin' great.

(Ghetto Superstar, that is what you are)

I was a fricken' ghetto superstar once. Harewood is the ghetto around here. Seriously. They even talk differently, and it's like... a 15 minute drive from here if there is traffic.

Brooke is from there to, I met her there, then I found her again here at Welly.
We chat it up like old times every once in a while, accents and all...About the past, friends we've lost, ones that got beat down and all, because they were pansies.

You think harewood doesn't have an accent? Go live there for a couple days, then come to Welly, you'll talk differently I swear.

Everyone seems to think they're hot shit around here recently. Seriously, either I used to and have dropped into the realms of reality, or I just noticed how stuck up people are around here. Even my fricken' friends. Which pisses me off, because I usually don't associate myself with people that are egotistical and such.

Oh mans, I'm in a bad mood. Stupid rat face cancelled drama AGAIN. I swear we haven't had drama for like... two months. Maybe more, maybe less.

Also pissed because I found out that someone that I haven't talked to in forever was online today, when I wasn't in the mood to go online.

(My heart keeps falling, and I keep on falling, over and over again)

Listening to an odd arrangement of music lately... Jazz, rock, hard rock, funk, punk, and some others.

I wrote a sentence, that I thought was going to bloom into a short story, but I got writers block quickly after...

“I woke up with a complete sense of hopelessness today”
“And how did that make you feel?”
Sarah blinked expectantly, waiting for the light to dawn in this insufferable airhead of a shrink. It seemed that the light was burnt out, so she gave it a zap of energy.
“Hopeless”

Names, well, they just might be important later.

Logan, Don't go out with Jade.

'nuff said.

Ho' Mans.

2005-11-13T19:35:00.000-08:00

I really should stop saying that. It's so... Emma of me.

Which reminds me to call the "one with the hair" to ask if he's got his stupid tickets yet. Because if he doesn't, well, too bad I guess. Ain't nufin I can do 'bout it.

I swear jazz was meant to be in the mainstream. But it isn't. Which means I get to enjoy it while others barely know what it is.

Etta James... Yay. Though Fantasia Barrino does a good cover for Summertime.

Oh wow, I'm at a loss of words as to what to write on here. How sad.

I'm about a week behind in all schoolwork. Because I missed I think 3.5 days out of four or so. Just because of dentist/doctor/health nurse appointments. As well as a writers workshop, and a bulling/in-school mentoring program workshop training thing.

'Cause I'm just that busy. And it happens again this week.

Because on tuesday, I have an interview, and wednesday, yet another doctors appointment.

Went last night to my cousins, slept over. Went to bed at 3am. Then this morning I went shopping for my cats, and got my mom a pendant for christmas in the process, as well as going for breakfast with my uncle, aunt, two cousins and one of their girlfriends.

Then went home, played video games, surfed the net for like. ..20 minutes.

Then, attempted to do some homework, but gave up. Because, I don't want to do the damn homework.

Oh jeez, I'm pathetic, really I am. I swear you'd think I have nothing to say, but I do...sorta.

Happy birthday Ralph, I love you, even though you are fucking disgusting.

2005-11-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Awesome song.

Atom and his package are a pretty good group.

As you can see, I don't write in here as often..

That's cause I have a new blog. If ya think real hard you'll know where it is.

Hint: You have to be on my friendslist to find it. Friendslist being my msn thing.

I think Emma is going to the Simple Plan/Hedley concert. Although Simple Plan isn't all that great, Hedley is. So there.

Now, if it was a Hedley/Butch Walker concert... I'd be more then excited.

So much fricken homework, I haven't even started the application for the rotary program. I'm going to tonight.

So yeah, re look at the hint, find my actual blog... for this is just a guise.

or...yeah...maybe.