Alicia is....Wow

...I live in an orange light,

Strictly surviving the plight to prove-

I could stand the fight

That you put yourself through daily;

Crying, "Won't somebody, anybody, save me?!"

But then, where would they be?...

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I hate how the tab doesn't work on this ... website.

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...And all I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your soul,

All I want is to rock your so-oul...

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I am so happy right now. And its validated to an extent. But I feel the chopping block nears. No one is happy for long, you know?

I guess a better term is melancholic, actually. I am extremely happy at the moment, but far from content, which is the true essence of life. And I know that I am one short dissapointment away from total depression. I work steady to keep my mind blank, its my coping method. Its a diversion method. Anywho, back to the happyness. Its cause Im in love. Really truly honestly kopf over feet in love. Its messed up cause he's so far away. But I do love him.

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I dont really know what else to say. My life does not by any means lack substance without him in it, but it seems to be that way lately. Its either work, or home. I have no inbetween. I will once school starts I guess. I hope. Well, rugby starts then too. It should be awesome.

He talks about just showing up and finding me. He thinks he's coming to Nanaimo before Christmas. Actually, he *knows* he's coming. But Im skeptical. Im hopeful, but skeptical. I miss him so much that I dont. I dont know if thats understandable. Its like, I've forced the ache out. If I refuse to think about it or talk about it or feel, in general... Then I dont cry when I think about him.

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Pam is my moms girlfriend. She is very caring, and very... counsel, like. She sent me a text asking how I was and how things with farmer were. She said she doesnt know if she could handle what Im going through. The long distance, I mean. Which, is very true. She is very sensitive. If her and my mom dont talk at least 4 times in a day she gets depressive. Like "Oh its over, Im going to go drink away my worries."

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I think that I am going to say that our past relationship was training for our current relationship. I mean, its very funny/sad when he is drunk and on the phone crying because he realizes that he was a great asshole a lot of our relationship, but I think that if I had seen him as often as I had wished when he was here, him being gone would tear me apart even more completely.

Does that make sense?