Lawls. Thinking Makes Me Think

So, We're all talking online. And I wrote this for me, essentially, then it branched, and now hopefully you'll read it and its for you too.

So here goes:

I guess I of all people
should know how I feel
should know how I want things
to go, to turn out
but, I bet you know better,
then I do,
I bet most people do

Bets are dangerous things
we already figured this out
But it was a learning experience
I found out how detatched I could make myself
How distant and un-needing
You found out how weak your efforts were,
and that not everyone gave you what you wanted on a silver platter,
no matter how deviously you attempted to obtain it.

You say we mesh well, that we've got chemistry
you actually state these things as fact.
Thats a difference between us
You know it to be truth, and I'm scared to voice the same opinion,
even after constantly wondering why I felt, feel, so comfortable with you.

I am a walking contradiction
Linds would most likely call me a
"teenaged girl with the mind of a hormonally driven teenage boy"
at this point....

I'll explain why.

Its like, in my head, I could take him or leave him.
I rejected him at the last party, but I dont know if he remembers
I'm fickle, things seem to have to be my way, or else... well, Im not
interested. He kissed me and I didnt kiss back, which is both cruel
and unexplainable. But it didnt feel right, so I didnt "respond"

Other times, Im tickling and poking him, till no end, either
because Im bored or just want attention.
Which, I have no problems with admitting that sometimes
I need a lot of attention to satisfy me, actually, it happens often
Though, quiet-alone time is necessary as well.
Back to the boy though...

Im indecisive, I like being around him, and feel comfortable,
but still dont trust him completely.
But then, what 17 year old,
female especially, doesnt have trust issues?
With all the shit with date-rape drugs and all this other
nasty stuff, how can you be totally trusting?

Not that I think he'd do that in any way shape or form.
He's actually rather ....gentlemanly?
I mean, we've kissed, but he hasnt tried to force me to do more
after I told him "too fast" in like, October.
lawls.

Katie knows the stories, she cares about me,
which is awesome.
because although I have my fair share of friends, not all of them are true.

She say's he's trying really hard by the sounds of it, and she even knows about the
"You're a girl and Im a boy" comment.

She wonders (aloud) if I'll ever give in, just let go and feel sorta thing.
She says I think too much that I need to just .. "release"

I think she was trying to be deep.
Or full of wisdom.
But, then again, she also says that he's the girl in the relationship.

He tells me that he misses me almost everytime we talk
I've tried sayin it, it doesnt work, I just sputter,
and switch the topic.

And I do miss him, I know that.
And I can say that, to other people,
just not to him.

I think its a power thing.
I hate the feeling that any one person other then my mother
could have power of any sort over me, and by saying that I miss him,
Im giving him power, showing vulnerability.

Not going to happen anytime soon, but Im working on it.
I promise.

I hope I've made sense through all this.
I know how sometimes I go off on a tangent and get all....
Well, no one understands but me.
Though I think its perfectly clear.
I forget sometimes, that not everyone can see into my head,
and understand how my thought processes work.


-Comment?

Leasha